I mean this turned a perfect afternoon into a big let down. The wife is napping... the baby is napping... I'm off of work... I am holding the game in my hand....................... and I am powerless.......
You're not powerless. You could try uninstalling it and Impulse, disconnecting your internet, and reinstalling. It could work. I don't see why it's not working in the first place though, unless you tried to update the game. If you tried to update the game, then as I understand it, there was an update which removed beta4 from people's computers when that was done, and that's probably what caused the problem.
EDIT: also, seconding MagicWeasel's request. Pictures of what's happening to you could help us in any case.