'Borrowing' Doc's idea once again..I give you a run through of some headlines over the past half month and my delightfully witty commentary. (One can hope, eh? ) This'll be sort of long(good sample of zany headlines this time around)...so if you're looking to waste a few minutes settle in.
"Obama, McCain Camps Look for Florida Votes in Israel"--headline, Arizona Daily Star (Tucson), Oct. 16
Good luck. Maybe we should pitch in and get them a globe?
"In Credit Crunch, New Yorkers Seek Fun in Crushing Own Grapes"--headline, Bloomberg, Oct. 16
"Honey, we can't afford any more kids. It's time to crush your grapes...but let's have fun with it!"
"Space Smells of Steak, Says Nasa"--headline, Sun (London), Oct. 17
Cow astronauts spiral into Sun?
"Canadians Already Forgetting Dion"--headline, National Post (Canada), Oct. 16
" 'Hippie' Apes Not All Peace and Love"--headline, Globe and Mail (Toronto), Oct. 15
Also marijuana and lack of showering.
"Squirrel Roughs Up Iraq Veteran in Park"--headline, State Journal-Register (Springfield, Ill.), Oct. 14
Squirrels more dangerous than terrorists.
"Astronauts on Board ISS Forced to Wee in Space Again"--headline, Pravda, Oct. 14
Imagine the shrinkage at -454.761 degrees Fahrenheit. (That's almost absolute zero)
"Poorly Nuked Food Can Make You Sick"--headline, Honolulu Advertiser, Oct. 15
If you thought food poisoning sucked, try it with radiation sickness.
"Surfing Internet May Keep Memories Sharp"--headline, NewsMax.com, Oct. 15
Hey, I've seen these boobies somewhere before!
"Disco Tune 'Stayin' Alive' Could Save Your Life"--headline, Reuters, Oct. 16
Hmm, I feel the city breakin and everybody shakin...what should I do? Oh, that's right!
"Toyota Says New Small iQ Offers Quality"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 15
Well, when you're too dumb to know the difference...
"Booze May Speed Shrinking of the Brain"--headline, Chicago Sun-Times, Oct. 14
This is news!?!?
"Man Who Argued He Was Too Fat to Die Is Executed"--headline, Rapid City (S.D.) Journal, Oct. 14
Guess he wasn't very persuasive.
"Man Tapes Woman's Mouth to Make Her Listen"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 14
Most men only dream of doing this.
"Flaming Pet Rat Starts Fire, Damages Titusville Home"--headline, WFTV Web site (Orlando, Fla.), Oct. 13
You really should fireproof your house before getting your own flaming rat. Some people just don't think it through.
"Text-Messaging Elephants Roam Wild in Kenya"--headline, FoxNews.com, Oct. 13
Their cell phones must be huge!
"What Happens After You Flush? RI Offers New Tour"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 10
Maybe they can find our economy while they're down there.
"Zombies Invade Manhattan Beach"--headline, Daily Breeze (Torrance, Calif.), Oct. 11
No, those are just single issue voters.
"Maryland Nuns Branded as Suspected Terrorists"--headline, FoxNews.com, Oct. 11
I didn't know nuns were in the 'habit' of terrorism. (sorry, that was an awful pun)
"Study: Intelligent Men Have the Best Sperm"--headline, FoxNews.com, Oct. 13
I think I just found my new pickup line.
"Premature Ejaculation: It's Not in Your Head"--headline, LiveScience.com, Oct. 12
Well, not anymore.
"Attorney: Jailed O.J. Believes He Was 'Railroaded' "--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 11
He's in prison...it's not hard to believe.
"Web TV Shows Porn, Without the Sex"--headline, Reuters, Oct. 9
Web TV: Missing the point entirely
"Angry About Economy? Smash Some Plates and Move On"--headline, Reuters, Oct. 9
Fuck you! Have you seen the price of plates these days?
"Soccer Moms Accused of Breaking Into Several Homes"--headline, WKYT-TV Web site, Oct. 8
Well, you gotta do something while the kids are at practice.
" 'Satan' Attacks Police, Bank Employees"--headline, Salt Lake Tribune, Oct. 9
Somehow I thought Armageddon would be a bit more impressive.
"Fury Over Cat Eating Festival"--headline, Sun (London), Oct. 8
On Melmac it's business as usual.
"Dear Parents: Do Not Bring Rabid Bats to School for Show and Tell"--headline, Pantagraph (Bloomington, Ill.), Oct. 3
Sure, Foamy can nip a bit...but he loves kids.
"State Says Fish Pedicures Are Illegal"--headline, Seattle Times, Oct. 2
Shit...can I still give them manicures?
"Drivers Recently Hit by Their Own Cars"--headline, Florida Weekly (Fort Myers), Oct. 1
You need to be careful when you're ghost-riding the whip.
"Spam, Still Mystery Meat, Escapes Food-Label Rules"--headline, Bloomberg, Sept. 30
Spam is people! IT'S PEOPLE!!!
"Crab Videotaped Riding Giant Jellyfish"--headline, United Press International, Sept. 30
Hot invertebrate action.
"Horny Goat Weed Could Be Better Than Viagra"--headline, NewScientist.com, Sept. 26
It's got 'horny' right there in the name!
"History Channel Documents Tater Tots"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 25
Well, looks like they've covered everything else history has to offer.
"Best to Hit Deer Than Swerve Off Road"--headline, London (Ontario) Free Press, Sept. 25
I believe the deer would beg to differ.
"Man Passes Gas, Charged With Battery on Officer"--headline, WSAZ-TV Web site (Huntington, W.Va.), Sept. 24
Probably should've skipped the burritos.
And there ya have it, folks.