Dr. Helber came from a long line of slightly whacked out inventors; men and women who were geniuses in arcane manners altogether different than playing baseball or having spouses. Professors and hermit writers mostly, with the occasional sensational madmen and drunks. As a child looking over one of his family gatherings, it had seemed to him that onl
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, ALL DOGS, SHEEP, AND GOATS MUST HAVE THEIR GENITALS COVERED AT ALL TIME TO STOP MUSLIM MEN FROM HAVING CARNAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THEM, IF NOT JUST COMING OUT AND RAPING THEM. DOGS, SHEEP AND GOATS WALKING ABOUT UNCOVERED THAT ARE RAPED BY MUSLIM MEN ARE JUST GETTING WHAT THE HUSSIES DESERVE. Osama Bin Laden Hey, for once I agree with bid laden, man.
necrophyliacs lobby to marry the dead Reporters reported to each other today that a crowd of necrophyliacs marched through downtown Chicago's Daly Plaza. Two hundred thousand strong, the local neighborhood group was waving placards and chanting, "Necrophyliacs unite-- fuck them corpses, it's your right!!" Numerous police officers on the scene were
Beacho the Human Chair Humans were quite the novelty when they were discovered by the federation of prosperity for all planets. Their easily manipulated genetics made breeding creatures for specific purposes easier than ever before. Within a mere 50 thousand human years, Grackinlablitz Species was selling warm, living chairs
Ten days and four minutes ago, at an unfamaliar stop on the chicago's underground train line, a fory three year old salesman from Minneapolis walked down the concrete steps and was confronted with a young man all dressed in black, with large nose rings and lip rings and ear rings and brow rings. Slumped against the wall frowning, the young city d
In one dimension, a hoboish drunk, late fifties and over-weight, sits stinky and silent on a bench in Loyola Park. No one knows that he is secretly watching everyone there, on the look out for any sort of trouble. That was his job now. He had lost everything except his need to drink... and of late, the cheap wine had started to make his brain resemble smooth vanill
He had a messy memory of messes. Messes big and small, by governments and bosses and parents and neighbors... messes from the wind itself and quakes and eruptions. Messes from bad luck and bad decisions... and like he told a reporter from the Toledo Blade, he found his escape was to become the characters that he played on the stage. This is very m
Chadwinkle pulled his mouth away from the bong and let out a long breath of pungent white and gray weed clouds. "We're in, like, the post hero period. The Simpsons, anti-heros of cinema... the herioc act has become a shining moment in otherwise boring or flawed lives... and those who still do buy the myths of the hero are so fucking backward. Damn the christians
PUFFINS REFUSE TO SHOW THEIR FACES TO THE PASSING CROWDS!! THE QUEEN IS NOT AMUSED.!!! For days now, zookeepers at the Lincoln park zoo have been having trouble with the rather notorious puffins in the main birdhouse. There have been rumbles with other birds in the past, photographs of the bouyant waterfowl flashing gang signs, and whispers that only thei
Yea, I've been in many a hollywood hole. Every hole you can think of. Animals? You name a species and an orifice and I can give you ten dvd's of me in action. Seriously. I even did a stretch in the playboy mansion, where I was worn down an entire inch in less than a week by the dense forest of The Hef's anal warts. I've done Madonna more times then... still ma
I guess I should come out with an opinion on this 'hot' topic that is sweeping across the blogs... Well, we all know Spuds Machenzie owed everything to certain oral technique which he first perfected on himself and then used to take Hollywood by storm... He had free beer!!!! For life!!! How many fucking dogs achieve that??? None. So, I don't blame him . . .
The world's penguin population is SPINNING IN CIRCLES so fast that they appear like black and white blurs as they scream again and again, "Oh, the shits with you!' Visitors to zoos across the world responded differently to the odd behavior on the part of the notoriously unruly aquatic waterfowl. At New York zoo, the cursing penguins were pelted with empty cans of cok
... DESPONDENT HUMANS LEFT BEHIND. In the latest blow to man's image of himself as the center of the universe, a god came down to earth yesterday and caused rapture to erupt, and humans, much to their whiny dismay, were left behind to be ruled by the usal half sensed shadow world of chaos loving, brutal demons. As the deit
I bought ninety hamsters. You would think this would be a good thing.... but, inexplicably, things have gone very, very wrong.. This sad tale began when M. had to go to Indiana for a week to spend time with mother. Now, normally she keeps all the cash from me, because . . . truth be told, she keeps the cash away from exactly because of
Gilford Tuttle here, once more addressing you whores and whore-mongers. I am writing today because I have been getting angry responses to the statement that only white people are getting into heaven. Well, someone had to say it. I mean, we don't want them in our neighborhood, let alone in our Heaven, and I know I speak for the Blonde Buff Jock Jesus when I say that
No one around Cripville didn't have at least one story about being lied to by Frank Schlong. He told whoppers that no one much believed even as he was telling them, and little ones about nothing no one else would ever think to lie about. Other than this he was a fairly bright guy, decent athlete, funny. By virtue of sheer geographical scarcity of kids, he made fre
slow trickle of tears down the side of a beer no pain in their clear slide once in awhile the gods get to dancing love fills you with everything you longed for in the lonely nights the trite and treacly becomes fine and dandy sometimes when the mood is just right... <
SCENE: a young boy's bedroom. He is asleep. Behind them is a snowy night scene. Santa is standing beside the boy reading from a book. NARRATOR Santa keeps a detailed list of who has been good, and who has been bad. CLOSE UP OF SANTA'S FACE FROWNING. NARR
I am getting sick of all the people who force me to kill them. You know what I mean. Last night I was on the el train coming home from scoring a little weed, sitting there buzzing and drawing. Around me was a very normal crowd of all colors. Then The But came on the train, loud talking into a headset phone. She is cursing like mad, everything is, "Fuck that Bitch
I went to M. this morning with my idea to spend the rent money on a suit of living hamsters, trained to kill; told her, "Look, next time someone tries to force me into a van, and kidnap me, they will be grabbing a rabid hamster hell bent on biting." I pointed at my stick drawings showing a man holding a gun on me as a hamster bites off the offending arm (this is a
The scene opens with a dildo laying on a golden pillow. The dildo has a grey beard and reading glasses. It looks battered and aged. Pictures of the dildo with various celebrities line the wall. By his side is his book, Confessions of A Celebrity Dildo, on the cover of which is a picture of the dildo in sunglasses, clean shaven, at a hot clu
We moved around a lot when I was a kid, passing silently, almost un-noticed through a series of small towns in Northern Indiana, mostly up around the Illinois line. Nice towns with town squares filled with a gleaming white courthouse and maple shaded streets lined with houses sporting long front porches -- filled with kids and old ladies, all rocking and wavin
CHAPTER ONE, THE COSMOLOGY OF RALPH... Page 2 of 2 One Million, two hundred thousand, four hundred and twenty seven years ago, a group of hunter gatherers were on the run from another, more aggressive tribe; chased from their traditional stomping grounds, they faced many perils out in the unknown wilderness; lost good friends and fa
RALPH BRINGS DOWN THE WRATH OF BOUNCING TOM SMOOZE CLONES AND MAD DONNA (the mutt with the head of MadDonna, a surgery she underwent while on a 'doggie style' kick) AND ASSFACE KURCHER ... Thus Spoke the God Ralph: "I am sure that you have heard of De-proggraming, Muggily, where a cult member is taken to a hotel and fed big mac's and forced
A lot changed when the Bush Monarchy took over the world and the rich moved to the moon (finally answering the question of why they didn't mind polluting it all those years -- they'd been planning on moving to the moon for hundreds of years, and considered the environmental destruction of earth 'a jolly good joke on the disgusting, smelly masses).' No more wars
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