Lawyer Joke Time

... _ _ _ ...

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

 

A good start.

Why does New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps and Washington DC have so many lawyers?

 

 

New Jersey got First Pick.

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

This one is from the movie "The Rainmaker"

What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

A hooker will stop screwing you after you're dead.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a lawyer?

Motorists will swerve to miss the skunk.

by Dr. Guy Friday, July 22, 2005

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

oldie but goody doc. thanx

#3 by Dr. Guy Friday, July 22, 2005

Why does New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps and Washington DC have so many lawyers? New Jersey got First Pick.

hahahahahahha now that's funny.

#4 by Dr. Guy Friday, July 22, 2005

That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

yer onna roll doc, a second funny one.

5 by Içonoçlast Friday, July 22, 2005

This one is from the movie "The Rainmaker" What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? A hooker will stop screwing you after you're dead.

lmao icon, thanx for the out loud laugh, my cats are stareing at me like I am insane.

#6 by Dr. Guy Friday, July 22, 2005

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a lawyer? Motorists will swerve to miss the skunk.

tff doc... smiling here {much needed one too}

A man in a bar shouted, "All lawyers are assholes!"
Another man said, "Hey, I resent that!"
The first man said, "Are you a lawyer?"
The second man said, No, I'm an asshole."

Reply By: IçonoçlastPosted: Friday, July 22, 2005A man in a bar shouted, "All lawyers are assholes!"Another man said, "Hey, I resent that!"The first man said, "Are you a lawyer?"The second man said, No, I'm an asshole."

another laugh, thanx icon.

I am going through the "been down so long, it looks like up to me" blues

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

Reply By: Dr. GuyPosted: Friday, July 22, 2005The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

groannnnnnnnnnnnn, but funny none the less.

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God?s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

A man wanted a big, ferocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs.

The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted.
"You're joking!" he exclaimed.

"This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Heck, he's just lying there, licking his butt!"

"I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?

you take your foot off his neck.

How do you stop a bus-load of lawyers from plunging to a fiery wreck at the bottom of a cliff?

Who cares?

and my favorite:

why do lawyers wear neck-ties?

to keep their foreskins from popping up over their heads.

Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One is a bottom-dwelling scum-sucker ... and the other is a fish.

LMAO

--Too funny you guys...though there is only one lawyer i have respect for, his name is Musaf Muhammed...he was my mothers lawyer when she had to battle her former employer over slander...he was awesome...but, thats the only one...

Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries.

"Didja get anything on that last heist?" Jack asked.

"Nuttin' at all," Mugs admitted. "Toins out that the guy that lives there's a lawyer."

"Jeez, ain't that the breaks," his friend sympathized.

"Didja lose anything?"

Why God Created Lawyers

Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.