Religious Jokes

Warning: You might feel guilty for laughing at this.

from JoeUser Forums
A man spent passover in Jerusalem. He went to the Wailing Wall and saw a man davening with great intensity. He wanted to ask what he was praying for but waited for him to finish. Five, 10, 20, 30 minutes passed. Finally the man finished. The visitor told him how impressed he was with his devotion and his intensity of prayer. "But I have to ask, "he said. "what did you pray for?"

"I prayed for a son, a good growing season, health and happiness for my family, for a long life and for peace and harmony throughout the world."

"Tell me," said the visitor, "do you think your prayers will help?"

"Who knows?" the man replied, shrugging. "It was like talking to a wall."
humor
17,790 views 24 replies
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
A man prays to win the lottery, but the numbers are announced and he hasn't won.

The next week he prays again, and again he hasn't won.

The following week he offers up a more impassioned prayer, but equally to no avail.

Finally he calls out in despair, "Oh God! Every week I pray to win the lottery, and yet I never win!"

Whereupon he hears the voice of God: "Why don't you meet me halfway! Can't you at least buy a ticket!"
Sins of a Solar Empire: Rebellion
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
Chakgogka


That reminds me of something that actually happened to me in Jerusalem a few years ago.... I was buying a lottery ticket and a neighbour of mine passed by... she was a Christian Missionary. I asked her to ask her Jesus to make me a winner.... She was shocked at my request... She asked if I asked the same of God Himself... I replied that He did not concern Himself with such matters... her response was..."What makes you think His Son is any different"?
I laugh about that every time I buy a lottery ticket...and still havn't won BTW...
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
A Catholic priest and a Protestant minister were discussing their upcoming annual fishing trip. A Jewish rabbi overheard and asked if he could join them. They agreed and a couple of weeks later were out fishing.

While sitting in the boat the priest said, "I forgot my tackle box, I'll be right back" and calmly stepped out of the boat and walked on the water to the shore, retrieved his tackled box, and walked back to the boat. The rabbi, upon seeing this was quite shaken up.

A few minutes later the minister said "I forgot my new reel, I'll be right back" and stepped out of the boat, walked to the shore, got his reel, and walked back o the boat.

At this point the rabbi is flabbergasted. But, not wanting to be outdone, the rabbi said "Oy, I forgot my lunch, I'll be right back". He stepped out of the boat and immediately sank.

The priest looked at the minister and said "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
is there any other kind?

Probably not, but since the other two were mentioned by title and faith, it was only fair.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top

The priest looked at the minister and said "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

I remember that one!  !

Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
The priest looked at the minister and said "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"


The minister said, "What rocks?"
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
A drunk stumbled upon a baptismal service by the river. "Son, are you ready to find Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunked the drunk under the water and pulled him back up. "Have you found Jesus?"
"No, I haven't," the drunk replied.
The preacher dunked him again, for a bit longer. "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, not yet, Reverend."
The preacher held the man under for a full minute this time, then asked, "Have you found Jesus now?"
Gasping for breath, the drunk asked, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
LMAO...nice jokes...
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
The man asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
The man asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "Sure just wait a minute."



A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you can ask him."
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top

A Jewish rabbi


is there any other kind?

Sure, there is the Lop, the French Lop, the snow hare, the wild berry hare, the mini Lop,

Wait, are you talking Rabbits?

Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
God had finished with the basic structure of humanity and was ready to get to the perks. "OK, kids," he said to Adam and Eve, "you have the essential stuff. Now who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam leaped to his feet. "Me! Let it be me!"
"So be it, " God intoned.
God then turned to Eve. "Well, let me see," he murmured, looking at his master plan. "Looks like all I have left is multiple orgasms."
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son had turned out, so he went to see his rabbi. "I brought him up in the faith, spent a fortune to educate him, and now he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the rabbi. "I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him through Yeshiva University, spent a fortune. Then one day he tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?"
"I turned to God for the answers."
"And what did God say?"
"He said, 'Funny you should come to me.'"
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top

Reply By: Içonoçlast

I posted that one on Mano's jewish joke article!  It still is great tho!

Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
"He said, 'Funny you should come to me.'"


I don't get this one...can you break it down for me? (Is the rabbi insinuating that he is God? Well I still don't get it...)
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top
I don't get this one...can you break it down for me? (Is the rabbi insinuating that he is God? Well I still don't get it...)


Silly...God's Son was Jewish...turned Christian
Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top
I posted that one on Mano's jewish joke article! It still is great tho!


That's not where I found it; honest.
Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top

That's not where I found it; honest.

I found it on the internet, so I expect you did as well. 

Besides, you told it better!

Reply #22 from JoeUser Forums Top
and so what if you did??? not a problem


Okie doke.
Reply #23 from JoeUser Forums Top
lol! Great ones! thanx for the laughs guys
Reply #24 from JoeUser Forums Top
The rivalry between Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Bakker extended even to their dogs. Swaggart insisted in their last face-to-face meeting that his was smarter.
"Mine can do every trick in the book," Swaggart boasted.
"Let's see," Bakker demanded.
"Here, Bowser. Sit," Swaggart commanded. "Lie down. Play dead. Roll over. Sit up. Speak. Shake hands." The dog did every trick perfectly.
"No big deal," Bakker said.
"Oh, yeah? Top that, bigshot."
"OK," Bakker said. Here, Rover." Bakker patted his dog's head, looked Heavenward and closed his eyes. "Heel!" he commanded. The dog immediately jumped into Swaggart's lap and put its paw on his forehead.