Ronald to Kobe: I Got Your Super-Size Right Here

    In the wake of rape allegations and a high-profile "celebrity trial" McDonald's has dumped Kobe Bryant as a spokesperson. Holy crap, I never even knew Kobe was a McDonald's spokesperson. I knew Shaq had that Taco Bell thing going, and during his ill-fated Laker's tenure Dennis Rodman did a Carl's Jr. (and a Carl and a Junior and a...), but I never saw a Kobe/Mickey D's.

    I can understand the firing... er... lapse of contracting, though. They had to do something. Kobe kept walking into McDonald's going up to the cute little blondes behind the counter and asking, "Would you like a large African-American penis with that?" Rumor has it he'd show up at orgies, shake his head and say, "Girl, you could have super-sized that!"

    In a related story, Sara Lee has dropped Jimmy Dean as spokesman for the sausage company he founded. There's something wrong with that. There's something wrong with buying a guy's company, taking his name, then getting rid of him. (See Famous Amos.)

    Despite the trouble they've gotten each other into, Kobe remains the spokesman for his sausage.

    Yours,
    Gene Nash

    P.S. -- A bonus prediction. Not long after the trial is over, Kobe's wife will divorce him. Kobe won't care because it will give him more time to very publicly play the field, including high-publicity dalliances with several female celebrities (one of whom will not be Dennis Rodman in a Donna Karan skirt).

    P.P.S. -- The main page for the Jimmy Dean company web site is entitled, "Welcome to Jimmy Dean." That's got to be kind of ironic if you're surfing the web and you are Jimmy Dean.

    Some highlights from the McDonald's web site.

    "To the 1.5 million people who work at McDonald's in 119 countries around the world, and to all future employees, we want you to know that: We Value You, Your Growth and Your Contributions." Unless you contribute by bending someone over a chair, driving your growth home, and show up on the 6 o'clock news.

    "We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers." A hamburger company serving people? Eww. I always thought it was horse meat.

    And lastly, this from a wire news story:

    "The failure to renew Bryant's contract with McDonald's marks the second major blow to his business interests after Italian food group Ferrero dropped him in August as their frontman for Nutella chocolate spread." Blow? Frontman? Chocolate? Spread? That's either really bad writing or subliminal communication at its greatest. Either way, make up your own jokes.