Jeff
I have to get this off of my chest
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
I love you.
I don't know if I can do this anymore. I don't know how to fix us and I think you are too stubborn to give me the 100% I deserve. I am changing and growing and you refuse to. You told me yourself that you are afraid to change and that you like yourself just as you are. Well, I really like who I am too, but I am who I am today because of who I was yesterday and I refuse to be stagnant. Change is inevitable and I choose to embrace it. This could be the end of the road for us. It scares me to think of not being with you, but if that's what it takes for both of us to be happy, so be it.
I know you love me. I believe you. You want me to be your wife, and I've got to tell you that while there is nothing that excites me more than the thought of spending my life with you, there is also nothing else in this world that terrifies me more.
I already consider myself your wife... which is a pretty stupid thing to do, seeing as how you are still married and won't be able to get a divorce any time soon. I am only hurting myself by pretending to be what I am not.
Here's the deal. I've been thinking about what you said last night. There are a few things I have to say now. My temper has been a problem in the past, and I am grateful to you for pointing that out so I could deal with it. I have worked so hard to change my behavior and I'm sure you have noticed the change in me. Yet you continue to blame me and make me feel terrible by saying that you feel you can't talk to me "the majority of the time." No offense darling, but I've been very aware of how I am personally dealing with conflict lately, and I won't take the guilt trips anymore. Every time you have something difficult to say, I listen. I don't get angry. I don't yell. I don't threaten to leave you. But most importantly, I don't deal with my hurt feelings, disappointment, and anger at what you say in a way that is healthy for me. I can't censor my feelings for you anymore. It's killing me. I can't pretend like what you are saying to me isn't ripping me to shreds. I'm not saying that I want to go back to the way I was. I believe I have grown up a lot in the past year. I am really pleased with the progress I've made so far. You don't give me any credit when you continue to treat me like I haven't changed at all. Please also take into consideration the fact that I am 21 years old Jeff. I am not trying to hide behind my age, but I really just don't know how much more I can stretch before I break.
You hurt me so badly last night. You'll never know and I can't even tell you because I am numb.
Every time you read from your journal or notes that you have made for me, I get a better idea of how you really see me. You make me out to be a monster. I feel like I am evil in your eyes. Stupid. Not good enough. And just like all your other girls... Only when you wrote about them, you had wonderful things to say... Now all you have are gripes. If you really feel this way, do us both a favor, ok?
I'm sorry that I'm making your life more difficult.
I know Charlie is a big problem for you. I'll do my best to think of ways to handle that better and I would appreciate your help. But he was part of the package deal and I'm really sorry, but I can't just get rid of him. That's all I have to say about that.
You want the cat gone, rather than dealing with some minor issues that could make your life better without having to get rid of her? (Like MOLD, excessive smoke, etc.) DONE. Say goodbye.
Finally:
You accused me of concocting a pornography addiction to hide my jealousy.
I am a jealous person. Dictionary.com defines that word several interesting ways.
1. Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.
2. a. Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others.
b. Inclined to suspect rivalry.
3. Vigilant in guarding something.
4. Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity.
I have never denied the fact that I am jealous. I have accepted that my jealousy is a problem. And I have started to deal with the issue. Have you noticed a change in me at all? Why do you insist on pointing fingers? Do you really believe that I have created an addiction for you based solely on my insecurities?
1. I HAVE BEEN afraid of losing you.
In August you professed your love to a woman you met on an online game. You hid this from me. You were pissed at me for making a FRIEND, talking to him on messenger, and exchanging email addresses. When I pretended he was on the phone, you nearly came unglued. However, you were sending love letters to Cashmere and Bliss and some other little cyber slut. And I found out the truth in November when I took the initiative to check up on you.
2.a. I am resentful of you. I am bitter about that game. I was jealous that you were writing love letters to another woman when I had not received anything but lies from you since January.
2.b. Obviously, I am inclined to suspect rivalry.
3. I have been vigilant in guarding you. I read your journal, monitored your phone calls, checked in on you at work, searched the computer, helped myself to your email, and installed we-blocker. Have I forgotten something? Please let me know if I have.
I honestly do believe that what was once a normal and healthy level of jealousy has escalated and become an obsession for me. I know this and I have never denied it. I am not going to place any blame on you for my irrational fears. I hold myself fully responsible for the way that I let myself feel. I alone have the power to behave, or react to what you do or say and I have chosen to be fearful.
THIS is how it is.
4. I AM INTOLERANT OF DISLOYALTY AND INFIDELITY.
When you lie to me, you are being disloyal. Even if it is just something stupid like your decaf coffee. I will not tolerate it.
The pornography is a problem, whether or not you choose to see it that way, and I will not tolerate it. The end.
I don't know if I can do this anymore. I don't know how to fix us and I think you are too stubborn to give me the 100% I deserve. I am changing and growing and you refuse to. You told me yourself that you are afraid to change and that you like yourself just as you are. Well, I really like who I am too, but I am who I am today because of who I was yesterday and I refuse to be stagnant. Change is inevitable and I choose to embrace it. This could be the end of the road for us. It scares me to think of not being with you, but if that's what it takes for both of us to be happy, so be it.
I know you love me. I believe you. You want me to be your wife, and I've got to tell you that while there is nothing that excites me more than the thought of spending my life with you, there is also nothing else in this world that terrifies me more.
I already consider myself your wife... which is a pretty stupid thing to do, seeing as how you are still married and won't be able to get a divorce any time soon. I am only hurting myself by pretending to be what I am not.
Here's the deal. I've been thinking about what you said last night. There are a few things I have to say now. My temper has been a problem in the past, and I am grateful to you for pointing that out so I could deal with it. I have worked so hard to change my behavior and I'm sure you have noticed the change in me. Yet you continue to blame me and make me feel terrible by saying that you feel you can't talk to me "the majority of the time." No offense darling, but I've been very aware of how I am personally dealing with conflict lately, and I won't take the guilt trips anymore. Every time you have something difficult to say, I listen. I don't get angry. I don't yell. I don't threaten to leave you. But most importantly, I don't deal with my hurt feelings, disappointment, and anger at what you say in a way that is healthy for me. I can't censor my feelings for you anymore. It's killing me. I can't pretend like what you are saying to me isn't ripping me to shreds. I'm not saying that I want to go back to the way I was. I believe I have grown up a lot in the past year. I am really pleased with the progress I've made so far. You don't give me any credit when you continue to treat me like I haven't changed at all. Please also take into consideration the fact that I am 21 years old Jeff. I am not trying to hide behind my age, but I really just don't know how much more I can stretch before I break.
You hurt me so badly last night. You'll never know and I can't even tell you because I am numb.
Every time you read from your journal or notes that you have made for me, I get a better idea of how you really see me. You make me out to be a monster. I feel like I am evil in your eyes. Stupid. Not good enough. And just like all your other girls... Only when you wrote about them, you had wonderful things to say... Now all you have are gripes. If you really feel this way, do us both a favor, ok?
I'm sorry that I'm making your life more difficult.
I know Charlie is a big problem for you. I'll do my best to think of ways to handle that better and I would appreciate your help. But he was part of the package deal and I'm really sorry, but I can't just get rid of him. That's all I have to say about that.
You want the cat gone, rather than dealing with some minor issues that could make your life better without having to get rid of her? (Like MOLD, excessive smoke, etc.) DONE. Say goodbye.
Finally:
You accused me of concocting a pornography addiction to hide my jealousy.
I am a jealous person. Dictionary.com defines that word several interesting ways.
1. Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.
2. a. Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others.
b. Inclined to suspect rivalry.
3. Vigilant in guarding something.
4. Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity.
I have never denied the fact that I am jealous. I have accepted that my jealousy is a problem. And I have started to deal with the issue. Have you noticed a change in me at all? Why do you insist on pointing fingers? Do you really believe that I have created an addiction for you based solely on my insecurities?
1. I HAVE BEEN afraid of losing you.
In August you professed your love to a woman you met on an online game. You hid this from me. You were pissed at me for making a FRIEND, talking to him on messenger, and exchanging email addresses. When I pretended he was on the phone, you nearly came unglued. However, you were sending love letters to Cashmere and Bliss and some other little cyber slut. And I found out the truth in November when I took the initiative to check up on you.
2.a. I am resentful of you. I am bitter about that game. I was jealous that you were writing love letters to another woman when I had not received anything but lies from you since January.
2.b. Obviously, I am inclined to suspect rivalry.
3. I have been vigilant in guarding you. I read your journal, monitored your phone calls, checked in on you at work, searched the computer, helped myself to your email, and installed we-blocker. Have I forgotten something? Please let me know if I have.
I honestly do believe that what was once a normal and healthy level of jealousy has escalated and become an obsession for me. I know this and I have never denied it. I am not going to place any blame on you for my irrational fears. I hold myself fully responsible for the way that I let myself feel. I alone have the power to behave, or react to what you do or say and I have chosen to be fearful.
THIS is how it is.
4. I AM INTOLERANT OF DISLOYALTY AND INFIDELITY.
When you lie to me, you are being disloyal. Even if it is just something stupid like your decaf coffee. I will not tolerate it.
The pornography is a problem, whether or not you choose to see it that way, and I will not tolerate it. The end.
