Whatever happens to come up

testing...testing...it's been awhile

Let's see here... So it's been two years since I've been back to see my father and family, in some way it was too much time away yet not enough. Being military tends to keep personal time to a minimum, though don't get me wrong it's worth it in the end. The plan was just like a mission, get in say hello to family and select friends, then get out before the area became.... complicated. I love that word, it applies to almost everything serious in life.

According to plan, I take off and drive to my destination, 1500 miles. Radio is out of commission, sunroof does not keep the elements at bay, long drive, boring drive, quiet. Quiet, such a negative spin in my circle of friends, the technology generation. Always entertained, multitasking, busy and loud. I remembered on that drive that I like quiet, missed quiet.

I hit the great lakes state 19 hours after I take off, I'm still in shorts and a Tshirt. Apparently I didn't remember it gets cold in the north around winter. Some guy at the gas station makes a disparaging remark about my intelligence. I was inclined to agree, but couldn't because my body had pulled all the blood back to my center leaving none for my brain. Mission "Silent Run" as I named it was still a go. My family had a vague idea when I was showing up, 2 close friends also were in the loop. In and out was the name of the game.

I'm and idiot. Google Latitude was linked to one of my social networking sites, I forgot to turn it off. What this means is it shows what city I'm in if I have my phone on. Busted, all my fault. I hate when it happens. I checked the site when I arrive home, and I'm still safe except for one entry on my wall. I figure it can't be that bad so I turn off the app and check... Busted.

Now a look into history, for this we must travel back to the cold younger years. It starts just like all the greats, maybe not in such grandiose terms. "So there was this girl". Beautiful story, wrenches the heart in all the right places just like a romance, except the ending was based in reality. Nice guys don't win... reality is a cold bitch sometimes, It's something we all need to learn. I'm not bitter anymore, I'm good at that. Turned me into a bit of an asshole, but it keeps me sane.

Oh yeah, the story. So during an education period in my life, I meet this girl. Cute, funny and had a smile that turned me to jello inside. Back and forth for about two years. I was a nice guy back then, did I mention that? Yeah, perfect gentleman, respectful, didn't make a move because I wanted to do things right. Idiotic is a synonym of nice guy in the dating world of people 16-30. So two years, her with other guys, me trying to do things right, friend zone.

It was Christmas, 05 I'm thinking. I get back from my educational prison and finally decide I've waited long enough, she agreed... Until the next day. Apparently all it took was one evening apart to let her focus fixate on someone else. She was honest, I'll give her credit for that, not much else though. In hindsight, the being a nice guy almost ended me. Of course it was my fault for not being what she wanted. I wasn't good enough. Thinking about it twists me, I can count the times in my life when I've been truly angry. Thinking of the turmoil I was feeling for no good reason makes me angry. Nice guys equal idiots.

At the time I wrote, alot. I wanted to be a Lit major, wouldn't have panned out. Talent was lacking, jobs were lacking, and it didn't fit me. So I wrote, it was the only thing I could think to do. It was personal, it was done by hand. It took me three days to finish. What a waste of time, but it was done. It left no doubt, no possible vestige of some corner unexplored, to how I felt. Sadly it also had an ultimatum. Just like me pretty cut and dried. Wait for me or forget me and everything about me. Idiot.

Crushed, I realized that being in the same state would drive me insance. Glad I figured it out fast, glad the military doesn't like to wait before shipping off fresh recruits. I was gone, a wistful glance back and nothing since then. Misery is a strange thing, only bad thing I know that when two equals are put against eachother, can produce a positive reaction. Boot camp was miserable, heart break was miserable, I wasn't. I was distracted, active and broken and rebuilt mentally and physically. I couldn't remember why I joined at the end, but was damn glad I did.

My life was starting to change. I was new, I was strong and I didn't need anything or anyone to hold me back. I cut ties with useless people, tucked my good friends close and moved across the country. Good choices so far, keep things small and simple and the chance of success greatly succeeds. It works for almost anything. I established myself, worked my ass off. There was still a remnent of nice guy there, he stayed quiet in his little corner so I left him alone. Keep it on a leash.

Year and a half later, a friend of mine gives me news I wasn't thrilled about. "She" just moved down about three hours from your place.... Damn it.... She contacted me, wanted to talk. "My car won't make it" *click*. I wouldn't have it. Push it down deeper, farther into the pit of things that we don't think about. I hated the way it made me feel, there shouldn't be any love left. Nothing there, no target no kill. Adapt and overcome, overcome and forget, moving forward.

I'm proud, proud of being able to control myself. I did. I was granted access to a world of people of infinite diversity, and there were people I could learn from. I have a friend who taught me alot about self confidence, it's not a feeling. It's not something you get. It's an act, and you have to be such a great actor you start believing it, then it becomes real. Asshole, I have come to learn is a term that people with no will have labeled those who have a backbone. Ironic, assholes don't care what you call them.

This friend serves his term, gets out and moves about three hours away. Go figure to the city "she" resides in. I visit fairly often, but it's a huge city, I'm confident I won't be caught. Too confident apparently. I get a call, thought it was a friend. "Hey where are you right now?". Never answer a question if you don't know 100% who you're talking to. "She" wants to meet and talk. It's a little over two years ago. I didn't care, "I'm going to XXXXXX bar with a friend". Civil, a great way to comment on my tone. I was three killians in by the time she arrived.

So a military and his ex military buddy are hanging out. A girl brings her boyfriend to meet an old aquaintence, he pretends he used to be military, special forces no less. Wanna know how long it takes for the military to realize? It's under three minutes, for those curious people out there. Want to know the number one way to piss military off? Tell them fake war stories. We were drunk, we spent an hour mocking him before they realized it and left. Had to admit, she looked great, hate to admit, I thought she looked great.

6 months ago she moves back to the place of origin. I didn't care. Not a word between us. I decide to go home for the first time in over 2 years, keep it quiet and it will be alright. Busted, remember that one entry, guess who. Now let's look into the mind of a guy who used to be a nice guy in love (I don't use the word lightly), and the aftermath. Nice guys never truly die. We can become assholes, confident, without a seeming care for anyone. Women love assholes because they can't figure out what makes them tick, can't control them. There is a reason for this, in my theory at least.

For every true asshole out there, there is a women out there who has "backdoor access". This is the women that was his secret crush in elementary school, a highschool sweethart, that girl down the block, or the the first girl to really crush him. She is the kryptonite to his superman. Because he loves her like no one else, he fears her because she can completely destroy. She is the only person in the world that can completely destroy him. She will always be somewhere in his mind, whether or not he can admit it. Maybe someday there will be someone who can come close, but she, she holds that seat by herself.

Alright here is where assholes come into play. Ladies if you have ever met that guy you just can't seem to control, don't lose too much sleep over it. Nothing you do will ever get you all the way in. Period, end of story. You will not control him, you will not break him, because he has that one place you will never be able to touch. It's what makes him so confident. He has something that no one can break, and he knows it.

So back to the story, accountability. I need to get this out. She wants to meet. My best friend from back home wants us to meet again. I am not opposed to the idea. It's a test of myself. I gather my wingman, and we head to a bar. Once again she looks great, I hate to admit, and I wish I didn't have to. Small talk, there's a guy there, I don't know in what function. No function as he leaves quickly after I arrive. She has her wingman so talk is flowing between the four of us..... there's a hot tub where I'm staying, which my buddy quickly points out, as the bar is closing. Her friend wants out, she's for it. My buddy decides to bail with a wink halfway home.

I'm uncomfortable. Here was the dilema and my train of thoughts. I still cared for the girl, everytime I saw her, I hated it. It was a sign of my weakness, yet the feeling was still there. My mind turned to closure, which in my mind was sex. The thing I had never attained, but after years of teasing and leading on, had never come close to. Have sex and be done with it. Get it out of your system. End it with a bang, sorry couldn't resist the pun. So that night I put on my gameface and tried. Periods can be a great deterrant. Not much for the redwings.

She was interested, I was interested in less. And then we talked. She has spent the last couple of years getting around, and I mean around. Apparently she in her own words "I'm ready to give nice guys a try". Infuriating. Those words send me seething everytime. It's a womens excuse to take advantage of some poor schmuck after she's fucked her way around the world. Used baggage so to speak. I don't care if you don't like the term, I hate the women who try to have the best of both worlds. Take your stupid pricks or take a nice guy, but don't let the prick have the fun and leave the rest of us to clean you up afterwards, selfish. Pricks and assholes are different, making the distinction now. Pricks are human trash. Maybe good looking, maybe a good fuck, but man or women, human trash.

And here we are, today. The present. I will not be taken advantage of, I will not be destroyed. I still love this girl. She has the power to destroy me, to utterly crush me again. I stand on the decision, should get what I deserve and leave, or try to make something out of this. Wait, two options puts me in a corner, I could just leave it as is. Just leave, option number three. I will either, become a prick, revert to a nice guy/idiot, or stay an asshole. This is why I don't come home.