My Mind Knows I'm Lucky
But my heart sometimes doesn't
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
I should be thanking my lucky stars, today, and really every day. My home (tho older) is large and in good repair. My daughter is wonderful. Heck, I even have a boyfriend now, and he is excellent. So, why am I so mopey? Why can't I sleep when I lay my weary head down on the pillow?
1. I still don't feel well. My head is a snot festival in full swing.
2. I had to talk to my ex on the phone for a mercifully short time. He claimed to be a nice person. That would be great, if it were true. He can still irk me quite thoroughly with just a few words. I think he must be the real reason i'm so stirred up. He can (from his perspective) deny all nastiness, and therefore it is true. He wasn't ever anything other than perfection itself. How irritating that is to me, who knows so different. Yet any claim i make to the contrary will sound strident and whiny. He's a winner, but what a weiner.
It is small of me, but I dislike that he is happy, and I am left with the bitter dregs of my own personal failures. The ones that hurt the most are those i made failing to protect my daughter from his cruel revenges against me. It seems like he might finally be slowing down in his trying to turn every encounter into him triumphing over me/H in some backhanded way. I hope so. But there is still the pain of his rejection after trying so hard to be what he wanted and needed. That rejection sure messed me up for a while. Still am a little i guess, but i am lots better and should be thankful for that. Just wish, i don't know, that he would curl up and die? Not a very kind heart beating in my own chest i guess...
3. While being sick and broody about the ex, I have to endure another lonely night in my echoingly huge house and empty bed.
I could use a hug and some distraction, or even just some simple affection and a pat on the shoulder. My boyfriend is far far away and i am so lonely... i'll just have to wait for some kisses, but don't like it much.
4. My formerly boring safe steady job, is now boring and in jeapordy. Very soon, they may give me the gate. If the don't, I'll be letting myself out anyway. It might be a great adventure at a new place, but it has been a long time since i travelled that road, and i am unsure about it in lots of ways. At least it is safe for 2 more weeks. And that is how i will be able to see it, two weeks at a time.
tick tock tick tick...
Guess i'll just go mix a margarita and just try for sleep again.
1. I still don't feel well. My head is a snot festival in full swing.
2. I had to talk to my ex on the phone for a mercifully short time. He claimed to be a nice person. That would be great, if it were true. He can still irk me quite thoroughly with just a few words. I think he must be the real reason i'm so stirred up. He can (from his perspective) deny all nastiness, and therefore it is true. He wasn't ever anything other than perfection itself. How irritating that is to me, who knows so different. Yet any claim i make to the contrary will sound strident and whiny. He's a winner, but what a weiner.
It is small of me, but I dislike that he is happy, and I am left with the bitter dregs of my own personal failures. The ones that hurt the most are those i made failing to protect my daughter from his cruel revenges against me. It seems like he might finally be slowing down in his trying to turn every encounter into him triumphing over me/H in some backhanded way. I hope so. But there is still the pain of his rejection after trying so hard to be what he wanted and needed. That rejection sure messed me up for a while. Still am a little i guess, but i am lots better and should be thankful for that. Just wish, i don't know, that he would curl up and die? Not a very kind heart beating in my own chest i guess...
3. While being sick and broody about the ex, I have to endure another lonely night in my echoingly huge house and empty bed.
I could use a hug and some distraction, or even just some simple affection and a pat on the shoulder. My boyfriend is far far away and i am so lonely... i'll just have to wait for some kisses, but don't like it much.4. My formerly boring safe steady job, is now boring and in jeapordy. Very soon, they may give me the gate. If the don't, I'll be letting myself out anyway. It might be a great adventure at a new place, but it has been a long time since i travelled that road, and i am unsure about it in lots of ways. At least it is safe for 2 more weeks. And that is how i will be able to see it, two weeks at a time.
tick tock tick tick...
Guess i'll just go mix a margarita and just try for sleep again.