It's unfair for ex-boyfriends to be so cute...

Hi again Nat, Just me Joe. Hold up now...lemme make sure I have this right. You were jealous of Jeff's porn thingy and now you are thinking about jumping ship on him? Maybe he is the one that should have jealous fever. Sounds to me like you need to get your own place and be single for awhile. What if Jeff finds out you went on an excursion with Frank and kicks you out and you have no where to go? Though I must say, Frank does sound tempting. Its always nice to have an ace in the hole. I wouldn't fess anything to Frank up front. Never lay all your cards out on the table. Remember once word is out, its out. I think you still have a thing for Frank. Otherwise, you wouldn't feel about him the way you do. You need to decide which one you really love and then go for it. GCJ

Ok seriously here.

Fucking serious

Like a heart attack.

You're upset.. Ok.. wait.. serious. Mind boggling shit. Because your boyfriend looks at porn. That is so fucking funny it makes me cry. Look chick. He has a dick right? I assume he does. Ok. Now then. He has a dick. That alone should be enough for me to end this reply. HE HAS A DICK WOMAN. Period. It's that simple. Guys? We look at porn. ALl of us. Every last one. We *all* look at porn. We *all* masterbate. PERIOD. SIMPLE. FACT. How exactly is that a "problem". Does he not go to work, or go out of the house? He sits and looks at porn 24 hours a day? I doubt it. WTF is the big deal if the guy looks at porn. How exactly, other then you're jealous he looks at chicks on the internet, is that a problem? It's not a fucking problem. It's only a problem because you're jealous. That's the problem. You are the problem, not him looking at girls on the internet. And if you can find a guy who doesn't beat his dick, I bet it got shot off in Nom.

HE LOOKS AT PORN. WE ALL DO. THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM. IT'S NOT EFFECTING HIS LIFE OR YOURS. ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE MAKING IT A PROBLEM. LET THE GUY LOOK AT PORN. GET THE GUY A SUBSCRIPTION TO PLAYBOY. HELL. HERE'S A LONG SHOT. LOOK AT PORN WITH HIM!?

WTF are you a catholic school teacher? Seriously. Look at porn with him. You two sit together sometime.. and look at some good porn together. I *guarantee* you, he wont jack off when you're done. Instead you'll have some nice hot good sex. Quit making it a problem. Seriously. It's all your doing.

Deleted-

I know it is not neccessary for me to defend myself, but seeing as you don't know all the facts in this matter, I thought I would try to clear it up.
Jeff does indeed have a porn addiction. I don't have a problem with porn. I can deal with almost anything in moderation. However, he has had well over 10,000 files stored on our computer and is in constant denial of it. I'm certainly not perfect, but I know that I am one of the most understanding, accepting, and honest ppl I've ever known. If he were honest with me from the beginning, I may not have thought it was a problem. For your information, I have offered to look at porn with him, but I feel like he would be too uncomfortable with that. I am a highly sexual being- I enjoy porn once and a while and I love sex... I'm not ashamed of my sexuality- I am proud of it. The only reason I think any of this escalated was bc of his deception.

NO, I am not a catholic school teacher. I fully understand that my boyfriend has a DICK. Trust me. It's fucking great.
I know that a lot of men and women look at porn. That is not the problem here.

Jeff IS obsessed. He spends up to 10 hours looking at it at a time. He hides any evidence- and he hides it where he knows it can be easily found. It's almost like he puts his videos in my sock drawer. He was looking to get caught. He is trying to call attention to it. He knows that he has a problem and we are doing our best to treat it. He doesn't want to do it anymore. And yet he feels like he can't stop. His 2 brothers and sister were sexually abused as kids and Jeff could have been also, but he's not sure. Many ppl in his family have been treated for pornography addictions.

What else can I say to show you that I am not a prude... That we are seriously dealing with an addiction. How about the fact that I have dealt with my brothers devastating crack cocaine addiction for the past 15 years and now first hand how an addiction presents itself. I have been to AA meetings and Al-Anon meetings for years. I am very familiar with the signs of an addict.

If this doesn't educate you to the truth of the situation and keep you from responding to my blogs and blindly blaming all of my problems on me, then I am at a loss. Honestly, your opinion is hard to even listen to, knowing how crude some of your blogs are, but I am trying to keep an open mind.
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Joe-
I really appreciate you responding to me. Your replies are by far my favorite since I started blogging. You always give me something to think about and I love seeing my story from your point of view.

I just want to clarify that I am not thinking of jumping ship. And if I were to take a trip with Frank, I would always be honest with Jeff about it. In fact, I even feel it neccessary to make sure it is okay with him. I wouldn't go if I knew Jeff would be uncomfortable. Also, if I ever thought that something could happen between Frank and I, it would have to be worth leaving Jeff for, and I would never do a thing without ending my current relationship. I don't ever want to hurt someone by cheating on him.

You're right. I think I still do have a thing for Frank. And I won't lay my cards on the table. In the past, anytime Frank comes around, I always screw it up by falling for him. And it should be a clue to me that it has never worked out with him...
I think it is time to grow up, and not push my relationship with Frank into something that it could never be. We are much better friends than lovers, and just because we love each other doesn't mean we have ever been or ever will be in love.

Jeff is the most important person in my life and we are going through some really shitty times, but I would walk through fire to be with him. I would die to save his life. And I can't let myself get distracted by some silly ex-boyfriend.

Thank you for being such an amazing sounding board. I really do appreciate your words and your concern more than you will ever know. This site is awesome therapy for me. Joe, you are an amazing help. Thank you.

Blessed be.
Natalie

I addressed the "10,000 pictures & videos" thing in a reply to your first blog.

And .. upon reading your reply. I have the perfect solution for your problem.

Get rid of the internet. Turn off the computer. Lock it in a closet. It's like quitting cold turkey.

Deleted-

Are you mocking me? Or being serious?

We both use this computer and the internet for very important things that have nothing to do with pornography.

Although I know that it is not in my power to manage or control his addiction in any way, I have installed software that monitors all internet activity and blocks pornographic websites.

We have both agreed to get counseling as soon as we can afford it. The United Way has several links to therapists that will let us pay based on our income. We should both be in therapy by the end of January. Thank you for your concern.

Oh.. full of mockery indeed. But serious just the same.

Get. Rid. Of. The. Internet.

Unplug. The. Computer.

Problem. Fixed.

And your porno stopping software isn't going to do anything. That software is full of holes. All the guy has to do is either close the software. Or use a different browser. Or open KaZaA, and download porn from there. Or go on IRC and download porn.

If the guy wants porn, he's gonna get porn. UNLESS. you

get.off.the.internet.
turn.off.the.computer.
kthx.

Not all guys look at porn, just the same as all guys cannot spell masturbate. *deleted_*
Joon, I'm not a therapist, I've never studied pyschology, and am in no way qualified to answer your question. I've only had ONE relationship that's lasted over seven years now, with no ex's to worry about.

But I will say this. Your ex seems SO perfect because you are not dating him. The grass isn't greener on the other side, but boy does it appear like it from afar.
If you started dating again, maybe things would fall into the old groove that they were in. I mean, what if your ex IS doing better because he is on his own.
Here's a hypothetical question, (don't get offended)..what if your ex has a nice excuse to get back with You, but it isn't 100% the truth. Guys are only human and wants/imagined needs can sometimes make a person's judgement cloudy.

Also, what if your current boyfriend wasn't afficted to porn? What if THAT problem didn't exist. Would you find yourself attracted to your ex?
To me, and I can be wrong, it looks more attractive because it is an "out". The easy way to deal with the current relationship. But you already know how it ended the first time. DO people change? Sometimes..but it my limited experience, not often enough to be noticed.

As for the porn problem itself, you cannot change or control your boyfriend. To attempt so does sow the seeds of a breakup down the road. He has to want to stop the problem himself, or else you forcing him to will likely plant resentment in his heart that can fester.

"Is it more mericful to let a wound of the heart fester, or to rip it out?"

I semi-agree with deleted (ick) on the subject of..The internet. It's too easy for him to get his "fix". What if he voluntarily gives up the computer? (You both would have to, it wouldn't work if you were on it and he had to sit there and watch you) Is your relationship important enough that you could sacrifice that for him? Would it interfer with his work? Just some questions to ask yourself.

What's missing in your boyfriend's life that he needs porn so badly? We all get addicted to fantasy to get away from reality. What's he running and hiding from?

Anyways, I think I'll post this now before I get too carried away. I hope it helps, some.

P.S.

--No, as a guy myself I can say with almost certainty he DOES NOT just want to be your friend. (Your ex)
If he was, he wouldn't be bringing up about how much he misses you, the missing puzzle piece thing..
Even if they are genuine lines, it is not the thing you confess to your friend that you wish to remain "friends" with.
Those are things you say when you want someone to come back to you...

Hey, umm. I'm kinda new to this place so I don't really know what's going on but by the sounds of things you are both missing something. And if you are offended by what I'm about to say I'm sorry but this is what I feel. It seems to me that you are missing the big man. The Lord God all mighty. I promise. If you just talk to someone about God and they (or even me if you want to) can just find a way to talk to you and get God's guidance while talking to you you will know what to do. If your boyfriend gets to know him all I have to say is goodbye porn addiction hello YOU time.

I'm only a high schooler what do I know right? Yeah, your right, I don't have the answers but Christ does.If you need someone to talk to I'm open just don't expect me to have the answers. Only one person does.

And no I'm not a Jehovah's witness in case you were wondering. I'm just a Christian member of the audience trying to lend a hand.

By the way. The internet is a great tool in these days all I worry about is abuse of technology I will pray for you and hopefully in the end all becomes well.

Capt. speakin'. Over and out!

P.S.- I'm sorry all these things are happening to you and I'm sorry that your boyfriend is a source of the problems. Good Luck to you!

Capt. !

What a situation. And apparently a popular one too, judging by the multitudinous replies flooding in. The answer to the original question- why is Frank suddenly looking so good- is really quite simple, and it has already been addressed to a certain degree. I'm certain that if an ex of Jeff (assuming he had one) looked at him now, his porn addiction would not be written in red permanent parker over his eyes. Problems are something that are hidden so that they can be dealt with in private, or within the context of a strong relationship.

Frank surely has his own problems, but what is most important is for you to decide whether you are really commited to Jeff or not. If you're not, get out of there, you're only hurting people. If so, then calm down. You haven't done anything wrong and I understand that alternatives start looking attractive when things are going rough at home. Just so long as you don't actually consider leaving an option.

Pornography. Deleted- whoever he is- is right. Every guy you know has looked at porn. Every guy you know has masturbated. BUT. Not every guy does so regularly. It is an integral piece of a puzzle called self-discovery, and it is necessary as a man discovers himself sexually, but it is not necessary. His addiction to porn has nothing to do with his sexual drive; it is just that, an addiction.

How do you defeat an addiction? Clinically, there are all sorts of ways, but only one that works in every scenario. Slowly, painfully, and completely. Take off your guards and software, and begin to LIMIT as opposed to stopping. Ever built a dam across a creek? You add sand around the edges, restricting the water flow until finally the flow is small enough to take on all at once. But beware; if you jump too early, the whole thing will break and you'll have to start all over again.

With that big a problem, you may have to start big. He may know for certain that he cannot quit completely, but what if he were limited to five hours a day? Or even seven? Just so long as it's less than 10. Then for every interval of time- I would suggest every two weeks but don't go under a week- decrease that amount of time, until it's around a half hour a day. Yes, that will take a long time, but it will also be permanent. If half an hour a day is acceptable for both of you, leave it alone, but if you want to conquer the problem once and for all, have him go 21 days without porn. That's the amount of time it takes to condition yourself with a behavior.

Best of luck, hoped that helped. By the way, I'd better say this before somebody runs in checking ID or something. I'm a teenager, and a Christian too, just like Cornbread over there. I am also the son of two psychologists, one of whom specializes in narcotics and alcohol counseling. And the other specializes in marriages, families and relationships. That's where my background happens.

It sounds like you guys have a strong relationship, and overcoming this struggle together will only serve to strengthen that. God bless you.

~Dan