A Living Contradiction in Terms

Right now, my insides feel like the computer desktop screensaver with the pipes that twist and turn at all angles in a breakneck pace. While I stare blankly at the onscreen pipes that overwhelm my senses, my innards twist and flail with contradictory feelings that overcome my sensibilities. I’m trying to understand my feelings but keeping pace with the thoughts that come and go is difficult. I’ve always thought of myself as a living contradiction in terms…an idealistic realist…a liberal conservative…an optimistic pessimist…etc…therefore, I am attempting to give myself permission to feel what I feel right now knowing that feelings aren’t facts.

So, how do I feel?

Right now, I feel…

• happy and sad

• elated and depressed

• satisfied and discontent

• thankful and dismayed  

• accomplished and frustrated

• useful and useless

• forgiven and guilty

So, why do I feel all of these feelings? Where do I begin? Perhaps disconnected rambling is my only option; so here goes…

I saw my friends from [my last workplace] here at [my new workplace] twice in the past two weeks (and I use the term “new” loosely as I have now been here almost one year). I got a myspace message from another this weekend. Yesterday, I heard about what all were doing (at my last workplace) from my current boss (since my new job intertwines with my old job).

First, I saw a friend who was kind of the “adopted mom” of [my last workplace] who told me that [my last workplace] just wasn’t the same. She went on to say that the year I was there was “a special year.” And, it was a special year, both professionally and personally. It was the best job I’ve ever had in my entire life. I looked forward to going to work every day. It was also a time of personal growth and discovery of who I am and what I liked. It was a time of exploration. It was a time of meeting new people. It was the time in which I met the most wonderful person I’ve ever known…the person who would become my wife…and the best thing that ever happened to me.

A few minutes later, I saw another friend, who had been my office neighbor, who was also divorced. She and I used to encourage one another when the exes would flare up.

The following week, I saw another friend from [my last workplace], who was another divorcee whose story almost identically paralleled my own. He’s a great guy. I miss seeing him in the office and just knowing that someone, especially another guy, understood what it was like.

This weekend, I got a message from my friend with whom I shared an office during my time there. She was the complete opposite of me, but I wouldn’t have wanted any other person there as office mate. We often made fun of one another’s irksome habits. I called her “my annoying little sister.” She told me that they would be in town in July, and that they’d love to hang out when they got to town. I saw few others who despite the fact that they were contracted and I didn’t see daily, I still hold as friends.

I listened to my new boss speak about seeing my old boss and of the things there were doing. My prior boss was a wonderful boss. She was the best listener and supporter I’ve ever had in a boss. She also a knack for listening to what I was developing, and offering insight to make it better without a hint of disapproval. She recognized my strengths and embraced them and encouraged me use them. I’ve never felt so empowered or so satisfied with what I did. I browsed their website this morning. I found work I had been a part of developing, and I found a picture of all of us. I miss working there. Everyday there was like being on an episode of Friends. I miss them, and I miss working there.

My job now is okay. I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it either. I have don’t have the same passion for what I now do; and I’m driven by passion. I don’t look forward to my morning drive in traffic headed north as I did my morning commute in traffic on that same going south. I look at my calendar, and not much looms on the horizon for me. The only promising hope I feel is that of vacation. One would think that having not much to do would be great, but it’s not. I need to do something that is meaningful, and right now, I don’t feel that very meaningful. The fall will remedy the lack of productivity, but August is a long way away.

So, I sit and wonder…what do I do? I’ve considered looking elsewhere, but nothing appeals to my interests, and I’m not going to settle elsewhere just to do something else. I like working for the [system in which I’m employed], I just don’t particularly like this one. I’d like to get back to [my last workplace] one day. But that day is quite a ways away from today.

I am where I need to be. I enjoy being close to my children again. I enjoy seeing them each week, and I am thankful for being close enough to drive over to a ballgame or a school program. I like having ordinary nights with them, even if it is only one night a week. I enjoy having them when they stay for the weekends. But sometimes, it is really hard to let them go. I awoke from a dream this morning in which my wife and I took them back to their mother. In the dream, they went on about their way without saying goodbye to me. I don’t suppose this was as much of a dream as it is a reality (as it was merely a rehashing of Sunday evening). While my youngest daughter did give me a hug and a kiss goodbye, my teenage son did walk about his way without saying anything. I know it’s his age, and I understand that fact…maybe it is just hard seeing him grow up so fast. I know he loves me. He shows it in his own way, and does say so. His text that simply read, “I’m looking forward to the weekend,” said so. I teared up a bit as I saved his message permanently to my phone after I’d received it from him Friday afternoon. I wonder as they continue to grow if they’re still going to want to spend time together. I don’t know what it will look like as he gets older and he gets a job and a vehicle of his own. I love them. I wish they knew how much. Despite the fact that I’ve reinforced to them that I did not divorce them, when their mom and I divorced, the words and constant accusation that I left them remain in my head. I try and shake those thoughts, but it is difficult. I am trying my best to be the best dad I can be to them. And, being close by them is important, and I’m where I need to be.

I love my wife so much. I believed that life could be better than I knew it to be. I couldn’t have fathomed how blissful being married could really be, but a year later, I know it to be true. And while I am an idealist, I realistically believe that we will life will always be this good or better. I stand in constant amazement as to how wonderful it is being married to my wife. I love her in more ways than I can begin to express. Sharing in our days together is one of the things I long to do each day. She is so full of wisdom and knows so many things. I admire her thirst for knowledge. I’ve always appreciated her intellectual conversations and musings. I love being with her. I long to know what she thinks and feels each day.

I worry about how she’ll feel when I write something like what I’ve written today. I know she won’t “own” my feelings, but I don’t want her to think that I have any reservations about the decision to marry or to relocate here…because I wouldn’t do anything different. I just need to give myself permission to feel what I feel, acknowledge that sometimes it is difficult, but to keep on keeping on.

Why else do I feel as I do? Well, my stomach feels a little ick and my feet hurt because my new shoes are hurting my damn feet, but I don’t feel as yucky as I did when I started, so I guess I’ll stop for now. I realize...some days just really suck.