BASHing down the walls of internet stupidity.

Well maybe exposing that stupidity a bit.

http://www.bash.org/
from JoeUser Forums
Way back in they day, back before ICQ, AIM, MSNmessenger, and all the rest, there was a little program called IRC (internet relay chat) that allowed people to chat online about all sorts of things (mainly porn). Back in the day I used to spend some time on IRC talking about all sorts of stuff (mainly porn). I was shocked to find a while back that IRC is still alive and kicking!

One of the funny things that I noticed, or should I say re-noticed because I must have noticed this before, was the fact that people type some crazy things on IRC.

I know quite a few people that speak without thinking, but you'd be surprised by how many people type without thinking. I mean, come on, its written right there infront of you before you press enter. I'm not talking about typos, I'm talking about dumbass comments.

Well, back in the day, when people would type these stupid comments (usually about porn) all you could do was chuckle and carry on. After a while, a guy I knew would cut the truely inane things some people would say and then paste it to his sig line that would appear when he logged off.

Well now that we have this new-fangled, world-wide-web (yeah i know the WWW was around when IRC came out, let me have my moment of nostalgia), there is a web-site that can help you keep track of all the dumbasses in your life.

bash.org

This site is a collection of funny, stupid, ironic, racist, dumb, insane, (did I mention stupid) things people say on IRC. I must warn you, that some of the posts on there are very vulger, and quite offensive. Must be why I enjoy it.

Just to give you an idea of few of these pearls:

#11504 +(351)- [X]
Kurt> Who would win in a fight, Batman or Jesus?
jre> Batman
egg> Batman
jre> Does Jesus have a Christ-mobile or a utility belt? NO.

#14215 +(297)- [X]
gaz> i don't think terrorists would be stupid enough to do anything on independence day anyway
gaz> not after the aliens did it

#10007 +(83)- [X]
rumorf> Any horny ladies from idia?
micah> Where in the %@!@% is idai?
dlphoto> It's where idiots are from.

#18140 +(86)- [X]
heffster> next thing on my to do list is to lose my virginity
heffster> i'll probably have to fork out money for that too

#36567 +(344)- [X]
*** KronicD ([email protected]) Quit (Exit: Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother john. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's john.)

#113653 +(132)- [X]
Catmando> I've never had an IDE cable with a hole like that
Catmando> I've had floppy cables, but never IDE
dealer_> youve never had sex with a girl, but that's not saying it doesnt exist
narayan`> ouch
ran_dogg|> i can't top that
Catmando> well, I do have more experience with IDE cables than with women

#291625 +(289)- [X]
CharColt64> I think when you get a roaming charge a lil icon should pop up, of a guy gettin fucked in the ass

Those are just a few of the ones I found when I picked Random.

So remember a bit of advice from yer good ol' buddy evilPidge read what you've typed before you type it, or you may end up on bash.org.

btw, if you happen to find any that you like (mainly they porn ones), post 'em as replies.
humor
21,230 views 22 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
Pidge, Thanks! I got busted at work for laughing to tears....

A few of my favorites:

#33955 +(128)- [X]
* Jbond64 yawns
* darkcloud stuffs a sock in Jbond's mouth
darkcloud: you misspelled cock


#16729 +(35)- [X]
I think anti-cornform has great meaning to an eleiteist
Vill: learn how to spell
Gotterdammerung: I did then I fucked up when I learned to type



#73199 +(221)- [X]
(slippy): saw chocolate boxer shorts yesterday
(slippy): it said "may contain nuts"



#247524 +(143)- [X]
i never understood the concept behind flavor colored condoms
do you suck dick?


Fucking good shit, Pidge!
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
#11724 +(329)- [X]
cool. calculated pi to 18 decimal places.
know what would have been cooler?
ANYTHING


#19541 +(410)- [X]
She isn't forcing anyone! she haven't asked them of nothing¨ö!
how the hell do you type a ¨ö symbol by accident??

#34970 +(90)- [X]
P2 Celeron was good though, because it used the same slot as the P3.
P3 has two different slots!
I had a SNES game style P3, my mate had a flat one.
Mime, that's a socket.
Mime: you mean a slot and socket
Yes, socket and slot.
amd really loved the slot
I love that slot.
I love your mom's slot
your moms a slot

#43905 +(44)- [X]
Any submissive females out there into doing laundry, dish washing, shopping from lists, and extremely quick sex - msg this Dom male.

#47542 +(49)- [X]
i never saw the appeal of buttsex anyway
i mean, receiving, there's a cock up your ass, and if you're giving, you're getting poo on your wang

52802 +(208)- [X]
Acire1134:Damn dog keeps fallin off my clock
Impala33157:O.O
Impala33157:I SO read that wrong

That's from a random 50. Really funny stuff!
CursorFX - Customize your Windows cursor
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
HOLY CRAP! I had to come back and add two more. This site is killing me.

#398703 +(140)- [X]

Jdogg:Hey
QT-Pie:Hey
Jdogg:whats goin on
QT-Pie:Nothing. Who are you?
Jdogg:Jdogg. Wanna cyber?
QT-Pie:what does that mean?
Jdogg:what are you wearing?
QT-Pie:T-shirt. Jeans.
Jdogg:Garter belt?
QT-Pie:Ummm...no.
Jdogg:Are we gonna cyber or not?
QT-Pie: uh, okay.
Jdogg:Sweet, I start by rubbing your ass all around. You love this.
Jdogg: You're wet already. I can smell your pussy stink from here.
QT-Pie: WHAT?!
Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.
Jdogg:You leave everything to jdogg.
Jdogg:I am completely inside of you. You are my dick puppet. I put on a little play.
QT-Pie:This is weird. I should go.
Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.
QT-Pie: A stripe?
Jdogg: I need a sandwich.
QT-Pie: You're a freak.
Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That's some seriously funny shit right there!


#398672 +(117)- [X]
sonotayuppy: hey now, I¡¯ve gotten my ass mugged at gunpoint before
hoggman: watergun point
sonotayuppy: no
sonotayuppy: thirty eight point
sonotayuppy: the "poor man¡¯s machete"
hoggman: you shoulda kung foo'd his ass
sonotayuppy: I wish I knew kung fu
sonotayuppy: do you know kung fu?
hoggman: I¡¯m a 7th degree black belt
sonotayuppy: seventh degree? That sounds rather made up
hoggman: you dare question master thomas???
sonotayuppy: yes, I do dare question master thomas
sonotayuppy: as he sounds made up as well
hoggman: OHHHH
sonotayuppy: since when are you a master?
hoggman: SHINTO HIRUKEN MASTER PINTO THORAX KICK
sonotayuppy: what in the name of jebus was that?
hoggman: you are paralized from the eyebrows down
sonotayuppy: well I¡¯ll be damned, you¡¯re right
hoggman: here eat this sausage
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top

i am going there RIGHT now.

i'll be back !

vanessa/mig XX
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
ohhhhh nooooooo !. *crying with laughter. absolutely honking*.

i cannot belive how funny this is. it's gross !. totally gross !. and so rude !. but it's utterly compelling and so damned funny i nearly peed myself.




bwaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa





thankyou so much, evilpidge. i am going right back there

vanessa/mig XX
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top


oh nooooo. i can't stop now:

Jdogg: You're wet already. I can smell your pussy stink from here.
QT-Pie: WHAT?!
Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.
Jdogg:You leave everything to jdogg.
Jdogg:I am completely inside of you. You are my dick puppet. I put on a little play.
QT-Pie:This is weird. I should go.
Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.
QT-Pie: A stripe?
Jdogg: I need a sandwich.
QT-Pie: You're a freak.

*rolling on floor about to puke from laughing so hard*

vanessa/mig XX
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
Jdogg: You're wet already. I can smell your pussy stink from here.
QT-Pie: WHAT?!
Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.
Jdogg:You leave everything to jdogg.
Jdogg:I am completely inside of you. You are my dick puppet. I put on a little play.
QT-Pie:This is weird. I should go.
Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.
QT-Pie: A stripe?
Jdogg: I need a sandwich.
QT-Pie: You're a freak.

*rolling on floor about to puke from laughing so hard*


You missed the best line at the end of that one...

Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.


Nyschashi-Seikun i ate at black anus, there meat is so shitty
Nyschashi-Seikun *angus

*roflmfao*

vanessa/mig XX
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
we use to stick icecream down our pants =P course it was melted by the time you got outside and far enough away so they didnt see you eating it :/
ewww
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
OK, this is great! I didn't read this the first time around, but got it from mig's blog.
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

Ok
I have found, definitive proof
that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
O_______O
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top

hehe..being that I talk on IRC all the time (we have a bot on #stardock that we can add quotes to) I can relate to some of this.  This one cracked me up for some odd reason:

<hobbit> hey dude... are your ears burning?
<Dude> no
<hobbit> Ah... damn... I need to tweak my voodoo doll then.
<hobbit> Feeling any groin pain?
<Dude> heh no
<hobbit> hrm.... How about a scratchy throat?
<hobbit> something simple..
<Dude> nope
<hobbit> bah... the Book of E-Vile said this would work...
<Dude> i disabled remote access in controll panel
<hobbit> hrm.... that might be it.
<Dude> ya gotta be secure
<hobbit> hrm... lemme try something else... ::invokes the mighty god Hastur:: HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR!
<hobbit> Anything now?
<Dude> hmmm... i read uf nope
<hobbit> you missing your eternal soul?
* Dude checks
<Dude> it sez under properties it was never installed
<hobbit> bah
<hobbit> Now I have Hastur sitting in my living room demanding an eternal soul... and I'm fresh out..
<Dude> nice knowing ya

Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
Ohh the memories of my early geekdom! I love this site... thanks for reminding me of it again
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
#281791 +(167)- [X]
Oh dear god, i just drank the most vile substance known to man
pepsi?
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top

Here's something just said...


[20:35] <MedicalCat> If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you shouldn't masturbate while you're on the phone, either. Sure, the person on the other end of the line can't see you, but they'll be able to tell something's not quite right. I don't know how they do it, but they always do.
[20:35] <saiya-jin> That's why I record phone calls
[20:35] <saiya-jin> So I could masturbate to them at a later date

Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
Evilpidge,

That was a great laugh....thankyou! Mignuna sent me down to have a look and I'm very glad I took the time!!
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
Ok - this is old hat - but those that haven't seen it - I introduce you to bloodninja

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

-------------------

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

--------------

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something



Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

---------------

Bloodninja:Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate:OK, but don't tell anybody
DirtyKate:Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja:Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate:Umm...Yes
DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja:I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja:How did you know?
Bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate:Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate:What the f**k?
DirtyKate:You perverted piece of s**t
DirtyKate:F**k

------------------

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
MommyMelissa: whatever.

BAM!!!
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top
One more I found at random... I love the 'don't ever talk to me again' line...

I know this girl who is really hot and sweet, a Big Beautiful Woman... she makes my Captain stand at attention
hollywood lied
big is not beautiful
she's 5'2 and 305 or something, but I don't care... woo hoo she's wild!
EazyCheez: HOLY FUCK
DEAR GOD MAN
that's a fucking keg on legs!
that is disgusting, and you are a crazy piece of shit
Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top
Had to add one more and bring this thread back. These two were back to back on the latest page and had me laughing!

(Locl-Yocl) I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.



(Elysium) I think I need to watch some porn for luck
(gNaRKiLL) doesnt work
(gNaRKiLL) id be the luckiest fucker alive
(gNaRKiLL) id shit leprachauns
Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top
I see your two and raise you 3...

#26739 +(299)- [X]
(IDK) She sure didn't look 15 dancing around in her underwear.
(mothoc) that's probably why your friend was arrested
(IDK) The moral is, beware Russian/Eastern European accents.
(IDK) Apparently, the fall of the Soviet Union caused the world market to be flooded with weapons-grade jailbait.

#38740 +(165)- [X]
(Daffman) just hold ctrl b4 you start copying and it will take the color codes too
(dannthr) wheres the b4 button
(Daffman) [dannthr] right next to the any key

#62799 +(153)- [X]]
(Gudrow) being a virgin at 25 is one thing, being a FEMALE virgin at 25 is...unheard of...except in cases of gross physical deformity
(Al) I don't know any 25 year old male virgins either
(Gudrow) you're sitting in a channel full of people who are well on their way
(Al) Gudrow: good point
Reply #21 from JoeUser Forums Top
These are too funny. Great site for a good laugh.

<_ry0suke_> My dad has no nuts
Reply #22 from JoeUser Forums Top
Oh this stuff is addicting