The pain of saying good bye.

August 30, 2004 10:37 AM from

Okay a couple days ago I lost a 2 friends of mine to a shooting and I played soccer with her for 3 years and even though we were not extremly close we had that connection from soccer we were a soccer family and last year I really got close to her. Its hard for me to say goodbye and I am having a hard time dealing with it and I think another reason why I am having such a bad time with it is because less then 2 years ago I lost my twin brother and I never really had anyone to talk to about it and I held all my feelings inside and that made the healing process worse in alot of ways. I never had anyone to cry on or to comfort me when I came home to an empty house it was hard going from being a twin to being an only child and so many days and nights I long to hear and or see my brother I miss him so very much. the night before she was killed I had finally sorta accepted that he was gone and decided to pack up all of his stuff that i had in my room and put it in the closet so it would be there when i really needed to see it but i would not see it everyday as a constant reminder. then when i had found out that she was killed it was like a ton of bricks slaming me in the face and i thought of what that family is now going though and what i had just went though and all the pain and sorrow that was with it and i can't help but think about my brother and all that happened with him. ive had to be strong for so long for so many people and everyone expects that out of me and i am so ready to just break down and explode with all this pain and sorrow that keeps bottoling up in me. I HATE SAYING GOODBYE!!! i have lost so many people in the 18 years that i have been alive and im scared to get close to anyone again in fears that they too will be taken from me and just want my pain to be gone. when will i be able to break down when will i be able to say what i need to get out when will i have someone to go to get help and talk and cry on their shoulder when will i be free????? ive always been the one that everyone comes to and looks up to me because i dont break down and im so "strong" well im tired of it im tired of hiding my pain i want to be free i want to let loose. why do i always have to be the "strong " one? my biggest problem is that i would much rather see all my friends happy before me and if that ment that i hide my feelings then thats what i did and i still do that and i don't know how long i will be able to do that anymore. i need someone to talk to and i am tired of hiding my feelings.
thanks,
Brittany

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