Where, oh where has my sanity gone?
Where, oh where can it be?
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
This is unbelievable. My life is so screwed up right now that I am spiraling into a deeper depression than I think I have ever known. Why is it that men are always the reason for this crap? Am I just blaming them instead of looking inside of myself? Or do I just pick the wrong guys?
How do you know when too much is too much?
I am in this dreadful relationship. I am in love. And I really feel like I am being taken advantage of. It's funny that I say that- because Jeff and I live together and he is now paying all the bills and supporting me. He was out of work all year and I've been out of work for a few months now. I was taking care of him when I had a job and his mother loaned him more money than I even know about, I'm sure. So, it sounds like I am taking advantage of him in a way- and maybe I am. I won't rule out anything right now. I just don't understand what is going on.
Ya see- here's the thing.
Jeff has this "thing" about porn. I firmly believe that it is an "addiction." He insists that it is a HOBBY. Whatever.
What constitutes an addiction anyway?
I have always been a strong woman. I am, I think far more mature than my age might make you think. I've been through more than my fair share of horrible experiences growing up. But I'm honestly not bitter about having to grow up so fast. It has made me who I am today... Or atleast who I was a year ago, before this relationship began.
Pornography has never bothered me. I look at it once in a while. Sometimes I get aroused. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality. I don't try to hide it or pretend to be innocent. I know that a good percentage of men enjoy the visual stimulation of porn. Strippers, videos, playboys... none of that offends me.
But, when I discovered just how much porn Jeff had I started to change my mind. He had well over 10,000 files on his computer, videos, and burned cds in a drawer. Is that normal?
We've been together almost a year. I moved in with him in July. We have discussed the porn. He told me months ago that he got rid of everything. But I discovered that it was just hidden on another drive on this computer.
He knows that it HURTS me now. He knows that it is damaging to our relationship. And yet, I still find out periodically that he is continuing to look at it. He's just finding better ways to hide his tracks.
Am I stupid?
Am I crazy?
How can I love this man? How can I know all this and more and still want to be with him?
We played the Sims Online for a few months. I was jealous of his little online girlfriend. He was irritated by my jealousy. HA! I found emails that they had written back and forth to each other. He told her that he loved her. Now he tells me that he did it just because he needed his ego boosted. ... blah blah blah... Leos are very needy. He would never cheat on me- but he needs more attention. whatever...
I'm not a stupid girl. I'm not an ugly girl. I know that I could find someone else so stinkin fast if I wanted to.
I know that he loves me. And I know that he would honestly never cheat on me. I know these things like the back of my hand- and I am not being niave about this. Even having said that, and really believing those words... I am having the hardest time trusting him. And it is breaking us up.
~~Thanksgiving day, his sister shed some light on his familys little secrets... Apparently, all of his siblings were molested. But Jeff wasn't, he says. And everyone in the family has dealt with their own porn addictions.... Atleast that is what I have gathered from what he has told me.
He tells his little notebook. But he won't tell me anything. And I have promised not to read it. But he doesn't believe me.
Can you keep a relationship going without trust?
How do you love someone that you don't trust?
How do you stop loving them so much?
God- I have to go for now....
I am just so confused.
How do you know when too much is too much?
I am in this dreadful relationship. I am in love. And I really feel like I am being taken advantage of. It's funny that I say that- because Jeff and I live together and he is now paying all the bills and supporting me. He was out of work all year and I've been out of work for a few months now. I was taking care of him when I had a job and his mother loaned him more money than I even know about, I'm sure. So, it sounds like I am taking advantage of him in a way- and maybe I am. I won't rule out anything right now. I just don't understand what is going on.
Ya see- here's the thing.
Jeff has this "thing" about porn. I firmly believe that it is an "addiction." He insists that it is a HOBBY. Whatever.
What constitutes an addiction anyway?
I have always been a strong woman. I am, I think far more mature than my age might make you think. I've been through more than my fair share of horrible experiences growing up. But I'm honestly not bitter about having to grow up so fast. It has made me who I am today... Or atleast who I was a year ago, before this relationship began.
Pornography has never bothered me. I look at it once in a while. Sometimes I get aroused. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality. I don't try to hide it or pretend to be innocent. I know that a good percentage of men enjoy the visual stimulation of porn. Strippers, videos, playboys... none of that offends me.
But, when I discovered just how much porn Jeff had I started to change my mind. He had well over 10,000 files on his computer, videos, and burned cds in a drawer. Is that normal?
We've been together almost a year. I moved in with him in July. We have discussed the porn. He told me months ago that he got rid of everything. But I discovered that it was just hidden on another drive on this computer.
He knows that it HURTS me now. He knows that it is damaging to our relationship. And yet, I still find out periodically that he is continuing to look at it. He's just finding better ways to hide his tracks.
Am I stupid?
Am I crazy?
How can I love this man? How can I know all this and more and still want to be with him?
We played the Sims Online for a few months. I was jealous of his little online girlfriend. He was irritated by my jealousy. HA! I found emails that they had written back and forth to each other. He told her that he loved her. Now he tells me that he did it just because he needed his ego boosted. ... blah blah blah... Leos are very needy. He would never cheat on me- but he needs more attention. whatever...
I'm not a stupid girl. I'm not an ugly girl. I know that I could find someone else so stinkin fast if I wanted to.
I know that he loves me. And I know that he would honestly never cheat on me. I know these things like the back of my hand- and I am not being niave about this. Even having said that, and really believing those words... I am having the hardest time trusting him. And it is breaking us up.
~~Thanksgiving day, his sister shed some light on his familys little secrets... Apparently, all of his siblings were molested. But Jeff wasn't, he says. And everyone in the family has dealt with their own porn addictions.... Atleast that is what I have gathered from what he has told me.
He tells his little notebook. But he won't tell me anything. And I have promised not to read it. But he doesn't believe me.
Can you keep a relationship going without trust?
How do you love someone that you don't trust?
How do you stop loving them so much?
God- I have to go for now....
I am just so confused.
