whence you fall get back up

its important to know you can

June 7, 2004 11:50 AM from

Welcome to my web log, Its basically my journey through life, all the things that happen to me are here for you to see as I try to understand them, hopefully you’ll enjoy reading about my life as much as I enjoy writing about it, I’ve changed the names to protect the innocent, except for Danielle Tee, she can just go get raped and murdered as far as I’m concerned!

I live in Adelaide in south Australia; my life is very complicated at the moment! Ill try and start form the beginning

I work for a large manufacturing company here in SA and as with any workplace there is women. One in particular took my fancy her name was Danielle, we got along quite well at work more so than I was expecting considering that I hadn’t really noticed her before and she had been working there for some time be it in another dept. Any way we all went for drinks one night to pub and we had been flirting at work a bit which u know was nice but there was nothing in it, I thought that maybe I should introduce Danielle to my girlfriend as they were roughly the same age and had the same interests and I thought they would get along quite well.

So a few weeks later I decided to invite my girlfriend to the pub after work for a few drinks and to meet some of the people I work with, Danielle included, upon arriving to the pub I found my girlfriend in the karaoke room, she came over and we went to get a drink and sit down, we chatted for a while and I introduced her to everyone from work…there was only about 6 or 7 of us from memory, Danielle liked my girl right from the start I could see that, and my girl liked her as well she told me so on the way home.

At work the following week Danielle said she thought my girlfriend who’s name is dee by the way was pretty cool and asked if I thought she might like to go out into town some time? I gave danni her mobile number and said that she could ask her herself, dee said yes of course much to danni’s surprise so a date was set and we organized to all go out together. This was the last time to date except for one night that I would be along for the ride.

That night we met at dannis had a few drinks there and then caught a taxi into town where we headed to the austral for a quick warm up beer and a shot or two, it was pretty cool there but not the happening vibe we were looking for, so we ventured off to the elephant and wheelbarrow for live bands DJ’s and drinking.

Once in the door the girls headed straight for the dance floor with me in tow, after a bit I went to organize some drinks, and the vultures moved in on the girls on the dance floor, I returned to spoil there fun and gave the girls their drinks, we danced and played and the girls flirted with each other all night, danni especially, until she eventually couldn’t handle it any more and leaned forward and kissed dee on the lips! I was expecting this but allot of guys there weren’t and couldn’t believe what they were seeing.

This went on all night and I just played it up and there were some fellas there that were congratulating me on having two chicks and calling me a legend and when we eventually did leave it seemed as though the crowd parted for me like the Red Sea for Moses, I walked out of that place a legend.

I thought it a good night and didn’t look to deeply in to the girls attraction for each other and just assumed that it was harmless fun over the next month or so the girls went out just about every weekend, well I should say every weekend after that, and I ended up at home, not that this was a problem for me as I was comfortable with who she was with and where she was going and as long as she was safe I was happy, talking to danni at work was more and more interesting as we were now working in the same area and as often as it does the conversation turned to sex.

It was evident that danni thought dee was more than just a friend and that she thought that I wasn’t to bad myself, danni is quite a sexy girl and we mucked around quite a bit but we both knew that what we really wanted to do was take dee to bed for a hot threesome, we talked about it quite a bit and tried to work out whether dee would be up for it? We decided that time would inevitably tell and left it at that.

The girls continued to party over the next few weeks and me and danni were still working together when dee asked us to meet us at the pub after work again but this time at the pub nearer our place, we agreed & headed there after work.

I took danni home to get changed and then dropped her at the pub at headed home myself for a quick shower and a change of clothes.

I then met the girls at the pub and had a few beers until around 2 am when they announced the pub was closing, not happy with this we decided to grab some beers and head back to dannis for drinks and maybe a dvd, we got back and danni put the massive perv fest movie WILD THINGS on and we sat and watched that for a while and had more beers.

The drinks were going right through me and I was running to the toilet for a pee quite often, but I noticed that every time I went the girls went quiet? What was going on? Well no prizes for guessing………dee was all over danni kissing her.

After letting them know that I knew what was going on and after much denial on there behalf they gave in and gave me a bit of show, sitting on the couch kissing each other and touching each other. It was a nice thing to watch and I wanted it to go further and so did danni but we had to get up early in the morning so dee said we had better leave, but before we did………….. She asked me if id like to see her go down on danni and if so I should tell her what to do and she would do it in front of me!

She pushed the coffee table out of the way and asked danni to lie on the floor, positioning herself at dannis feet she pulled off her pj bottoms and then slid her knickers down as well, looked at me and asked “well what next” I just said do what I do to you so she started kissing dannis tummy and eventually made her way down kissing her thighs and legs and then dannis …well you know what to… This made me well, aroused but it didn’t last long, as danni really needed to go to the toilet so she stopped dee and went.

After this dee decided that we really had to go home as we were getting up early in the morning I agreed and we headed off, not that danni wanted us to leave.

The next day while we were at victor, all dee did was message danni on her mobile phone, not unusual for a girl to do but one thing stood out and hurt my feelings, our daughter went on her first scary ride and instead of sharing the moment with me Dee messaged Danni!!! I was quite upset at this and it kinda ruined the day for me but I kept that to myself.

But back at work no guessing what me and danni talked about for the next week, we couldn’t really believe what had happened but weren’t complaining, so we thought that maybe it could happen again and dee was thinking the same thing, not that I knew it.

By this time though I was starting to feel strange about the whole deal and slightly jealous as dee was going out every weekend, leaving at 6 or 7 on Saturday afternoon and not coming home at all until Sunday afternoon leaving me and the kids at home wondering where she was.

I was starting to miss my girlfriend but thought that it was ok seeing she was having fun and that she spends all week at home with the kids and she deserves to go out, but I would have appreciated her coming home at least some of the time. I hate sleeping alone and worse still I hate waking up to find her not there I don’t think that this is selfish of me its just IM in love with her and I miss her deeply.

We had a party booked for the coming weeks, a bus tour for one of the girls from works birthday and we were all going along, this was the one night that I was looking forward to as I hadn’t been out with dee for months and was excited about it.

The previous weekend I thought that we might have stayed at home together until about 10pm when danni rang and asked dee to meet her in town!! Reluctantly I agreed to drop her off at the BP at west terrace so she and danni could go to the German club for dieter’s birthday, dieter being dannis best friend Rachel’s boyfriend.

Again she didn’t come home until the afternoon on Sunday. I really wasn’t happy now.

I was starting to recognize behavior in dee that I had seen before in life…it was the classic IM leaving you behavior, and I was starting to hurt inside but I kept my mouth shut so as not to cause trouble and I knew dee was having fun so I didn’t want to spoil it for her.

Anyway I had been out to friend’s parties in the last weeks and she hadn’t come along so it wasn’t like I wasn’t going out as well but I really wanted to spend some time with my girlfriend.

One Friday night while at work (the Friday before the bus tour night Saturday) Danni and me were talking and danni, playing with dee via sms MSG’s asked her if she could have a sleep over>? Much to our surprise dee said yes and that she was gonna put a big smile on dannis face when she got there.

We thought that this was intriguing and excitedly called to get some drinks for danni on the way home, we got back to our place and I headed straight for the shower to clean up.

After my shower I got changed and went and sat on the lounge with the girls. We chatted for a bit until dee said “well are we gonna do something or not” I suggested we head for the bedroom the girls agreed.

As soon as we were in danni pulled her top off and started passionately kissing dee and dee was really getting in to it, I was putting some music on and then hopped on to the bed with the girls to watch.

dee was touching danni all over and and slid her hands down inside dannis jeans, this really sent danni off and I was getting quite turned on myself at the girls horny display, I reached over and stroked daniis back and touched her a bit but she was more interested in my girlfriend.

dee was really turned on now and danni was starting to ride my girl’s hand like a crazy woman trying not to yell out with ecstasy.

She eventually orgasmed and rolled over and I nearly came in my shorts watching them.

dee was unable to receive as she was enduring that time of the month and she said that if she couldn’t have any then neither could I, I disagreed and then dee suggested that I get it out and give them a show as I fixed myself up, not happy with this I said that she would have to do it for me and hopped over danni to lie in between them.

dee went and got a hand full of lube and returned to wrap her hand around my erection, she asked dannni if she was gonna help and danni said she didn’t want to get in trouble but dee assured her she couldn’t with her right there, so I had both of them rubbing me much to my pleasure.

Now you’d think that for a guy life couldn’t get much better right? Wrong.!!!!

Danni stayed the night and went home in the morning and dee and me were having a coffee and a chat and she was saying how turned on she was and that she really enjoyed the nights activities. I said that was good and that it was good she liked danni and that’s when she told me………………..

She said she likes her more than she should and I said oh really? you love her don’t you!! She said yes IM infatuated with her.

This really killed me but I didn’t show it, I felt betrayed and angry and jealous, I think that dee could tell because she said your thinking silly things aren’t you?

You know that I love you, and she tried to make me feel better so I just tried to put it in the back of my head and thought that infatuations don’t last forever and that it wouldn’t matter in time.

But it still hurts me today. Saturday, September 20, 2003

I love my girlfriend unconditionally and more than life itself.

Anyway……that night we headed out to the bus tour via dannis house as her mum was dropping us off at the angas pub where we were meeting the rest of the party.

We bought a few drinks and a couple of drinks vouchers for the various venues we were going to, this was a bad thing as it meant mixing drinks all night and that is rarely a good thing.

Now its gonna sound like IM trying to cop out on my actions later in the night but IM not, and you have to understand that I still don’t understand what happened but ill try and explain it as much as I can.

We ended up at the Red Square on hindley St and I was extremely drunk but dee was not even tipsy? Now things started go bad and the mood had changed somewhat, not just with me but with everyone else aswell I had had drinks bought for me all night and I had also drunk a few drinks that I didn’t remember buying or having bought for me.

We decided to get going and had to walk to the casino to meet Rachel’s boyfriend who was giving her a lift home, apparently I started getting strange and angry on the way so we piled into a taxi and headed home.

I don’t remember getting home in the taxi but apparently I was giving danni evil looks all the way and when we got home I went to the wrong house?

Once in the right house I passed out on the bed.

Then strangely enough, and if you know me, right out of my character I went mad.

I got up and walked out and started heading home on foot as we were at dannis, home was a bit of a walk so dee came after me, that’s when things went seriously wrong. I kept stepping up to her like I was looking for a fight and she told me not to be stupid and to come back inside which I did.

She asked me if I had a problem and that I should calm down cos. We were at dannis house an that if I wanted to have a go that I should take it outside which I did, and I took her with me, everything is a bit blurry from there but apparently I had her up against the car choking her and then, as with super human strength I threw her through the air and she landed on the ground banging her head quite hard on the ground.

Apparently I then jumped on top of her and that’s when danni stepped in and had to pull me off and dee went inside and I followed, I had taken my shirt off at some point as well. Now I continued arguing until the point where I started breaking down in tears with the realization that something had gone awfully wrong and that I was no longer in control.

It got to the point where dee threatened me with a kitchen knife and then apparently as quick as it began it stopped with me going back to bed?

What the bloody hell is going on?

I remember parts of the fight, I don’t remember hitting her I do remember her hitting me about four times and I do remember the sound she made when she hit the ground and I do remember throwing her out of the house, but the rest is pretty blurry, one thing I can tell you for sure is that I was not in control of myself I could not stop what I was doing and it freaks me out.

That was nearly 3 months ago and ive been living alone ever since, IM disgusted in myself as a man as a person and as a partner, even though I cant fully explain what had happened I am responsible, it is virtually to late for me to put my relationship back together but IM going to try.

I love my girlfriend and my kids and I just want to go home to where I know I belong.

Today is Friday the 5th of September 2 days before fathers day, I am not looking forward to it at all it is going to be a painful and traumatic experience for me and my family.

I asked if I could stay at dee's Saturday night so the kids could come in on Sunday morning and jump on the bed and wish me a happy father’s day and I could also spend some time with dee . But she said that she had already made plans for the weekend and that if I wanted to I could come and stay and that I could baby-sit for her and she would come home early on Sunday morning.

Is she trying to accommodate me or is she just being selfish? I don’t know what to think really but I know that it would not be the same if my girlfriend was not there in the morning to be with me, I am so very sad and and I think that I will just have to get through this weekend as best as I can, but next week I will have to make a decision as to whether I want to try and continue a relationship with dee or not?.

She went away last weekend apparently with Danni and some friends, to barmera and at work on Tuesday one of the boy's pointed out that Danni was covered in hickies, when I went there Tuesday night dee was as well. This really hurt my feelings as were supposed to be still “together” but she’s off getting some while im at home alone suffering without her.

I know that I did something wrong to her but I feel that Danielle is a major factor in what is going on, its just the same as if it was another guy she was seeing no different, she is cheating on me and having sex with her and having all the loving and caring feelings for her that she should be having for me, well trying to have for me because as far as I was aware we were having this break to try and rebuild our relationship and to re-appreciate each other.

I still love her heaps but I can’t stand this emotional torment any more and something needs to be done soon.

I got in to trouble the other night because apparently I told dee that I spoke to my boss about Dannielles overtime when and how long she does it 4. I didn’t, I spoke to a team leader about it cos I couldn’t find danni.!!!! Anyway the only reason I asked was because I care about dee and I don’t like to see her dog tired and out in the cold of the night when there are other options for picking danni up from work at midnite especially with my kids in the car.

But she didn’t see it that way and just said that she will do what she wants and if she didn’t want to do it then she would just say that and not do it.

Its just because shes in love with dannielle that she will do anything she wants at the moment and that’s a sad thing.

dee told me last night that she had told danni how she felt about her wich made me sad but it doesn’t really change anything cos I already knew how she felt. I could hear in her voice that she was quite proud of the fact that she had told danni!

I want to smash dannis face in cos she is just sitting back watching my relationship fall appart and lapping up the attention.

I promise that if dee lets me go then I will take her down aswell and I will also take danni down as well, as its not fair what’s happening to me.

It was father’s day last Sunday and dee said that she would be home early Sunday morning to wake me up with the kids and give me my presents, she wasn’t! in fact I had to go and pick her up at 10am from dannis cos she got to drunk Saturday nite and didn’t want to drive home……. It really really hurt me, all I wanted was for my girlfriend and kids to be there for me on fathers day! It was just 1 day I didn’t think I was asking for much!.

Its now Tuesday the 9th September and im on a delegates course this week and I cant concentrate cos of the emotional stress im under, im trying hard to but its really difficult.

Im thinking about taking off for a while to get my head together and decide really what I want to do about this whole situation, I mean I love dee like there’s no tomorrow and want to be with her but I have to think of myself at some stage cos this is starting to affect my health and that’s not a good thing.9/9/2003.

Well things go from bad to worse 4 me, yesterday Fri. 19th September I told dee that I cheated on her with Danielle, I didn’t sleep with her or anything just kissed her at work a couple of times and it was all harmless fun I didn’t have any emotional feelings for her. dee went completely off at me and said that she felt betrayed and that she thought that I would have been faithful to her till the end, guess she was wrong, I didn’t do the things I did because I don’t love her at the time we were just mucking around and playing up the rumors about us at work, so it wasn’t anything serious just harmless fun, besides I didn’t think I was doing anything dee wasn’t doing with danni already and even Danni said that!

I could see how much I had hurt dee when I told her, I didn’t tell her to try and hurt her I told her because it was on my conscience and I thought she deserved to know and if we are going to rebuild our relationship then its better to start with a fresh clean slate. Dannielle thought that I was trying to make her look bad but I don’t see how me admitting to what I had done was an attempt at that?.

Anyway she told dee that I drove past her house one night and of course dee thought that I did it cos I wanted to sleep with her!

Of course this wasn’t true I mean I wanted to do things with dannielle but not outside of my relationship, I wanted a threesome with her and dee and it eventually came to that, but I didn’t do anything except what I did at work, I don’t deny any of this in fact I admit it, It takes a great man to admit his failures and I feel better for telling dee that I have failed her in our relationship.

We had a massive fight but I kept as calm as I could, trying not to yell I let her do that for me, she progressed quite quickly and went from flat out anger to hurt to I don’t care mode in about 1 ½ hours!

In the last 3 months the main problem I have had is Danielle, she has been in the way of me putting my relationship back on track and everything that I have tried has gone un noticed and I felt as though dee had no interest in me whatsoever, I mean I tried buying her things, asking her out to dinner, buying her care bears, flowers everything and with no reward.

Yesterday Friday the 19thsept I went there to mow the lawns for a party tonite and danni rocked up before she went to work, and dee went out the front to see her off and gave her a nice big kiss right there in the street, how am I supposed to feel about that? Im trying to put it all back together and she is the one getting all the love, Fuck dannielle she is in my way! Although I do not blame her for everything I blame her for not stepping aside when she could plainly see that my relationship with dee was deteriorating, im not saying she is responsible for it im saying she should have realized what was going on and stepped aside.

It was her feelings for dee that kept her in the picture, she’s in love with her and dee is in love with danni, dee is keeping it a secret from people, she isn’t going to tell her mum, her parents will freak out if hey ever find out, I will tell them so they know if things don’t go my way, and I start to look like the biggest bastard on earth for things I haven’t done.

I will not deny that there have been things in the past go wrong with our relationship and that I ignored them but that is because I was scared of the end result, I was scared that we would break up, I guess that we wouldn’t have if I had talked things over with dee, communication is very important and I will talk to her about everything I feel in future if she will be willing to let me.

I think that we have both done things that are bad, I kissed danni at work and she fell in love with her and pushed me aside to be with her, even if she didn’t notice that was what she was doing, she denies it of course and I would have had hell to pay if I had tried to stop her seeing Danielle, so I was stuck in a very hard situation.

I have made really bad decisions in my life and now I am paying for it dearly but I am not prepared to go down alone, it is not my fault alone, I am not completely responsible for what has happened, I want you all to know this, I don’t know now what the future holds but I know it will be interesting and a journey indeed, I still love dee and I hope that one day she can love me again, I don’t know whether this is possible but I really hope that time will heal all wounds and we can get our lives back on track.

Saturday, September 20, 2003.

It is clear now that dee and Danielle are “together” although she has not formally told me or her dad apparently, I don’t know why she wont tell me but I guess she has her reasons?

A couple of Fridays ago I heard a rumor at work from Renée that danni had taken dee away from me and that they were now together, amused at the fact Renée had told me I sms’d dee and told her……… bad move!!

dee assumed that I had started the rumor and that I was trying to bait them in to telling me the truth, (not that that would be a bad thing) at least then I could know.

Anyway they both ganged up on me and really got in to me and I had done nothing wrong at all!!!! They didn’t believe danni and me said that I would end up looking fucking stupid in the end, I think not! How can I look stupid? I am not doing anything…no action no consequence!

Anyway dee is still friendly to me and still asks me to do stuff for her and I don’t know if I can handle it….. I just need her to finalize it…. I know its over but she still to this day hasn’t told me to my face! Sounds weird that I would want to hear it but I guess there’s a certain lack of finality with the issue.

Another thing I can’t believe is danni sitting back and watching all this happen, it’s not like she doesn’t know what’s going on!!! We were a family and she doesn’t care that it has all gone wrong, I know that when you are infatuated with someone and then you fall in love that it doesn’t matter about the circumstances, you’ll do whatever it takes to be with that person! So I kinda understand the WHY”S of what’s happened, but tat still doesn’t make it right. I don’t know whether it was my own lack action, not saying how I felt when it really mattered or whether this was inevitable but I just feel that its wrong and it shouldn’t be happening.

This weekend the 3rd Oct. my birthday, I had the kids, I stayed down at dee's but she went out all weekend we went out and had fun saw my parents and all that… When I dropped off the kids I was in a bad mood because I’m depressed over life and dee had a go at me, she said don’t come in storming around the house in a bad mood like you own the place…

I didn’t care why should she care about my moods why can’t she just ignore me and let me be… I always told her that if we broke up we wouldn’t be friends and she’s trying to be friends and I don’t know if I can do it this way, after all she left me for a 20 year old girl who works with me, with no consideration for how it would effect my life! ~!

I just told her that nothing was wrong and left……… I didn’t want to get in an argument I couldn’t really finish.

The boys just say leave her and get on with your life………it’s the same advice I offer other ppl its my advice being dispensed to me, maybe I should just take it?

The last few weeks since I last wrote have been frustrating………I have had the girls up and mum and dad aren’t happy with it, but they will just have to deal with it I guess as I don’t really have any other option.

My eldest had a birthday party on the 19th oct I didn’t go and neither did mum or dad, they didn’t want to meet danni and I don’t blame them, I didn’t want to go because I couldn’t handle being there knowing we weren’t together and having danni there as well, It would have just ended in tears.

Dee shits me; she thinks that I am just going to get over this! I’m not, She thinks that we can just break up and be friends, to the point where she thinks I should still do things for her, and be friendly and bight my tongue every time I want to say something, I am sick and tired of not saying how I feel because im scared of the result, she has threatened to go to CSA and that would destroy my chances of buying a home!

But she said why should I get to buy a nice house when she has to live in a shit hole, um I told her there would be consequences of us breaking up and that obviously is one of them. There are also other consequences, I got my super details the other day and she gets $92,000 if I die at work!

I told her that I would change that to make it so the girls get a three way split and she flipped at the fact that she wasn’t getting any? I mean I have to DIE to get that money! It really hurt my feelings and I was really disappointed that she would say something like that!!!!.

The other week I got a ph/call from Dee early in the morning, we chatted and I told her that I never stopped loving her not for a second! And for the first time in ages she said “ I tried so hard to talk to you” and it sounded like she actually cared, I haven’t heard that tone in her voice for a long long time! I think it was the same day I went down there and left her some money and picked up some stuff and fixed my kids bike for her, so I sent her a text asking whether she had got the $700.00 I left for her and she yes thanks “LUV”?

She hasn’t called me love for months??? Was it just a residual comment? A reflex action?? Who knows but it made me feel like there was some hope! I know now that wasn’t true and that I have to decide to let her go.

I don’t want to! I have never loved a girl like this before, I am not talking about just love its bigger than that, I don’t know how to describe my feelings but I know that she is the one for me and it’ll be very hard to let her go.

I had an argument with danni about what happened and she doesn’t think she has done anything wrong, I begged her to help me after the bus tour nite and she said she would and obviously she did……. She helped me out of my relationship, and broke up my family!!!!!!!! And where I come from you don’t mess with people’s families.

She should have been there for dee yes, been a good friend for her and listened to her and advised her but she should not have ended up taking my place!

She gloats about it now, she is like haha I’ve got your girlfriend Iv'e got your girlfriend, And that really upsets me.

Dee never told me about her relationship with danni, and yet she gave me grief over the fact that I was talking to a girl on the net and through sms, she said gee you moved on quick and that she would write that in her diary!!! I was only talking to her to make myself feel better and after all dee was the one with the girlfriend not me!

I cleaned out my shed the other day and picked up some other stuff, some of my dvds weren’t there, I asked where they were and that could I have them back and she told me that I could have them back next week as she had loaned them out to a friend!.

I was a little upset at this as they are mine a and I asked for them back, and we are broken up and she had no right to lend out anything of mine to anyone, but I said ok cool just get them back and give them to me next week.

Oh now I remember what I was gonna say……………

During one of my arguments with danni she said that dee was going to leave me anyway before any of this happened? I find this hard to believe as she was still affectionate to me and told me that she was not gonna break up with me and told my parents the same the thing in a letter she wrote to them, I gave her 4 or 5 chances to end it with me in the time we were trying to get it back on track and she turned each one of them down, I told her that I thought she didn’t want me anymore and she said NO I still want you but I just like my freedom at the moment.

So when I asked her whether what danni had said was true about her going to leave me anyway she said “truthfully" yes, you know we had problems and you being selfish just made it easier”

So why has she put me through this emotional stress for so long? Why didn’t she just break up with me when I gave her the chance? Surely if that was true she would have jumped at the chance? Unless it wasn’t what she truly wanted, this I think is something to think about………. I will ask her to explain this to me cos I need some sort of finality on this I need to know whether the truth has really come out or whether there are underlying issues that need resolving.

I know that I should probably just let it go now but something is driving me to find an appropriate end to this as I am not satisfied to love someone for 3 years have a child then just let it all go!

Some loves are worth fighting for!

If you love something set it free

If it comes back it is yours

If it does not

It never was.

What can a man do when he believes in something so much that reason is no longer a factor in his descisions? I honestly believe that I should be with dee. I cannot tell why I know this, but maybe that is a good thing because it is better to know something and not understand why than to know it for a reason!

Another thing I do know is that it ended for us for the wrong reasons, I had no outside influence in my decisions, I made the choices for myself… dee has had options put to her by Danielle.

Danielle has given her options and ideas and that has brought us to where we are today, I honestly believe that if she had not been around or at least not given dee the option of getting involved with her that we could have sorted out our problems and that we would be better off for it.

Reasons for the things I did.

Kissing Danielle at work, I did this for the reason that I was not doing anything with her that dee was not already doing, I did not believe that what I was doing was totally wrong and I did it to try and justify Dee’s feelings actions and the way she was treating me to myself.

Reading Dee’s diary, I did this because I was looking for answers to questions that I was to scare’s to ask, I know that it was wrong but I did it with the best of intentions, I did not do it maliciously or without cause but I should have just asked the questions.

“Bashing dee” I did not bash her as she would like you to believe I was not in control of myself that night and I was blind drunk, I spent the next 2 days in bed that’s how crook I was, I am so very sorry for the outcome of that night but I would never hit her for any reason, and now that I think about it I was actually just trying to hold her trying to stop her form struggling against me because I was emotional about her telling me about her feelings for Danielle, it was a direct reaction to the things she had told me that morning, she actually stepped up to me and hit me more times than I allegedly hit her if she had not come at me the way she did I may not have done what I did to try and stop her.

Sometimes I wonder what she is thinking, she messaged me about her fans and I told her I would bring them to her this week… she said cool thanx and that she thought they were in the roof……….easy.

I just messaged her asking about one of my dvd’s she said she asked y I wanted to know and I said because I felt like watching it and I couldn’t find it and if she had it?

She said no and I asked if she had lent it out?, she said probably and that I could buy myself a new one!!!

I said no I want it back and she said whatever and that she didn’t really care at the moment! Ok fine its 11:30 at night on the Monday, November 10, 2003 but I don’t think she was in bed?, and even so its my dvd and she should give it back to me! And why would I want to buy a new one?

I have done nothing but be nice to her and she is being so nasty to me I don’t understand why? I try to help her and she is nasty its not fair… why should I continue to be nice, I’m scared shell go to csa and ruin everything for me that’s why, I don’t think that she would but she might do it out of spite so I don’t really know what to do? I’m getting used to being alone but I still don’t like it, I want to be with my family but not how it was before, things would have to be different, um I don’t know what I want, what do I deserve out of all of this?

I was thinking about second chances…

Maybe my first chance at a family was with my last girlfriend?, and I fucked it up?

Maybe this is my second chance and I have fucked it up again? What if this is it for me? What do I do now? I know that I don’t want any more kids so I guess ive blown all of my chances, I knew that I wanted to be with dee for my entire life the first time I met her! Tonight at work I thought about what it would have been like to propose to her and I got really nervous but I felt really good, then I realized that it would probably never happen!and I started to cry.

Sometimes I cry cos I miss her so much, I miss her in ways I never thought I would its funny the things that you miss about someone, like the way they make things for people and the way that they give themselves, the way that you know they are a good person and that sometimes good people just go bad. I know that under all of dee’s exterior there is a good and sincere person who has had bad experiences in life but I know that she loves me anyway, she just loves me in a different way to how I love her.

Thought for the day….. “if you show someone just how you love them they will understand you better”Wednesday, November 12, 2003.

“REVELATIONS 00:1 Tuesday, November 18, 2003”

This weekend I had the kids up again and we had a good weekend setting up their room and hanging around the homestead on Sunday we went to the aquatics center and went swimming which the kids fully enjoyed and then after that we went to the beach and had an ice cream from Wendy’s even I had one he he, it was an nice day and I enjoyed it… Until,

When I dropped the kids off dee came out and wanted to talk to me alone, I thought there was nothing possibly she could go me about so I assumed she was going to ask for more money! but she asked what I was thinking taking pictures of her to work and parading them around and that people were not impressed with the pics or me for that matter!! “what the fuck” I thought and it took me second or two to remember what pics she was talking about, there were a couple of pics of her in with a heap of others like the car and the kids that I did take to work, but they weren’t graphic or nude I think there might have been one of her in a nitey but that’s it.

And that was like over 2 years ago and only 2 or 3 people got to see them cos I was actually showing off my kids. I asked dee where she got told about this and she said that Renée had told danni and then danni had immediately msgd dee to tell her without even finding out the truth so I copped full shit for it!!

I explained to dee what had happened and she seemed ok about it so I guess everything is cool and she asked to have her photos back so ill dig em up and give them back to her but im going to talk to Renée and danni cos im sick and tired of people talking about me at work and dee getting the wrong information its shit really!

I went around and talked to Dee's Mum after that even though dee doesn’t like me doing that and I learned a few things I didn’t know

1# Dee's Mum is PISSED OFF and doesn’t like what’s happening at all and doesn’t like Danielle either.

2# Dee's dad doesn’t know and better not find out!!!!!!!!

3# dee isn’t happy and has changed!

4# Our eldest doesn’t know and that’s not good!!!

5# and most interesting…

Apparently one day Dee’s Mum was over doing the dishes and she said to dee that she missed me because I always do the dishes and dee said “yeah I miss Marty to, I think I’ve made a mistake” her mum said oh really well y don’t you do something about it!!!! She said no there’s too much water under the bridge now.

Now I can take that any way I want, but for me there’s still hope! There is not too much water under the bridge for me and I still love dee as much as I ever did.

Where to form here?

Don’t really know…………………….

Last Thursday (yesterday) I went shopping with dee for Chrissie presents for the kids, I met her at Marion at target at 9:30am and we walked around having a look at some stuff we thought might be good.

She had to buy some nice knickers for her niece so we wandered over to have a look….. Jokingly I suggested that she buy some big granny knickers for her, but dee must have misheard me because she made a comment that “yeah that’s all you’d like to see me in isn’t it!!!”……

This was a little strange a comment to make but I just fobbed it off and made a comment relating to latex g-strings.

After this we decided to go get some food (baguettes) and we sat and had a nice chat about movies and kids and just stuff really, it was nice and I was sooooo happy just to be there with her like old times. I couldn’t keep from looking at her and her smile and her body, she is so attractive to me it hurts.

Anyway, after we had done all of our shopping we made our way out to Dee’s car and on the way I told her that I couldn’t get any extra leave for Christmas and that she should pick a time in the school holidays during the year for me to have the kids for a week and I would book my annual leave for then, and she got shitty and told me that I was going to have to arrange something better for x mas and I was crazy If I thought she was going to have the kids for 6 weeks in the holidays!! And she also said that me having the kids once a fortnight was not “cutting it”.

Unfortunately I have to work and our arrangement is that I have the kids every second weekend and that isn’t going to change regardless of what she thinks, I’m not being mean but I have to rebuild my life and she has to come to terms with the decisions she has made and accept the consequences of those decisions!

I don’t know what her problem is but she seems very resentful of the kids especially on the weekends? Maybe this is Danielle in her head or something or maybe she thinks that she should be able to go out whenever she wants? I don’t know but she has to realize that her kids are her life, she chose to have them and that my friend is that!

I still love her as much as ever.

22/11/03 12:44:41 AM

I just got off the phone to dee; she rang for no apparent reason? Except maybe to ask me to come over on rdo’s to see sky or have her for the day?

We had a nice chat about stuff, nothing specific…. Just general chit chat really!

It was nice to talk to her just casually without arguing about money or fighting.

I asked her if she was looking forward to her birthday and she said not really, and that she wasn’t doing anything except maybe going to Marion with her friend Kezza.

So where’s Danni? Why didn’t she say kez and danni? Is danni gone? Is she outa the picture? Or did dee just neglect to say her name so as not to upset me? Or make me angry? I don’t know but I don’t want to theorize or look in to anything more than I should. But it’s a nice start just talking on the phone 24/11/03

Last Thursday I asked dee out to lunch to kiddyland so I could see my little one as well, I expected her to say no, she didn’t! she said yes much to my surprise, but then I began to think, she was prolly gonna leave me there with the kid so she could go shopping at spotlight, me thinks not!

She didnt do that either? We sat and had a coffee and a nice chat, nothing serious just a nice meeting. We talked over allsorts again and sorted out some vague plans for christmas, it all seemed strange to me and she looked heaps nice aswell and it made me really miss her but I tried not to show it.

I made a comment that two of my friends had gotten engaged and she said it was a waste of time because “nothing lasts forever”, I disagree.

I tried not to look in to that comment to much but I wonder why she said it?? Was she just having a dig at me cos our relationship got fucked over or was it something else.

Was she trying to tell me that even if we had got engaged or even married we would still have broken up!

I don’t know, sometimes I don’t know what to think, I carry a hope that someday we will get back together but if im not doing anything to facilitate that then it’ll never happen will it! But I don’t want to be pushy especially during Christmas. I will see how things go over the next few weeks up till her birthday, I’m going to see if she would like to go out to dinner as friends and maybe after that ill chat to her and tell her to her face how I feel and then im sure I will know once and for all what lies ahead.

Why do I have to love so much?29/11/03

Today sucked in the end, I went to Marion to do some Chrissie shopping with dee and have a coffee my lil one came aswell which was really nice cos I do miss her, anyway we had a coffee did some shopping and had lunch at kfc, then I took dees car for a drive to try and work out what was wrong with it!!! I ended up driving it back to her place so I stayed for a coffee and that’s when shit got fucked for me.

We were talking about what she was getting for her birthday and it turns out that Danielle the fucking slut Is getting her a fucking telescope!

I was getting her one, it was my present, I was gonna make her happy! Dannielle has ruined everything for me, I told dee that she needed to wake up to the kind of person that danni is and get rid of her and I also told her that danni and renee are best buds at work and that danni starts all the rumors (like the foto thing) because she is talking about dee to renee at work.

Anyway I had a cry and a whinge and then left for work, danni sent me a message calling me a complete and utter fuckhead and that I should stop telling shit about her to dee,

I wrote “give me my life back”

She wrote, “ she doesn’t want you back, I make her happy you don’t, she loves me not you!”

I wrote “ I don’t care if she comes back to me or not, she doesn’t deserve to be with someone like you, I will be around long after your gone and forgotten”

No reply as yet?

I fucking hate Danielle; she is going to pay for what she has done to me!

Fuck her! Who does she think she is? I am not going to accept that she can just come in to my life and fuck it for good, no she will pay.

I love dee unconditionally and would give her the world if it was in my power!

She makes me who I am she taught me how to love, she is the mother of my child and the bond that I have with her runs deeper than any little 20 yr old girl.5/12/03 12:47 AM

Revelations 2: 24 / 12 /03

Ok well not lots has happened since I last wrote, but im feeling depressed today so ill write to tell you what has been going on, well to start its Christmas eve, ive got the kids up tonight and we are having a nice family meal together with my parents and some of their friends, after dinner ill take the kids home about 9 o clock.

Tomorrow Christmas day I will be completely alone, mum and dad are going out and I wont have the kids nor will I be going down to see them, for when Santa arrives.

Danielle and dee have fucked my Christmas up!!!, next year I want the kids for Christmas day so I can enjoy it for what it is I will not put up with it being like this.!

Ok well over the past few weeks ive seen dee a bit and we have had some good times together, we joke and laugh and carry on and its just like I want it to be but then it ends and its over again, like my own personal emotional hell that I have to go through every week! Its like I keep saying goodbye to her suffering and then doing it all over again.

I had lunch with her for her birthday which was really nice we went to the Marion and had prawns and they were really yummy! Ill do that again for sure it was a good time.

I spoke to her mum recently and she said that danni is getting jealous that dee spends time with me so im gonna use this to my advantage and start seeing her a bit more when I can, in the new year ill go down there more often and start trying to make a difference in her mind and maybe start making her revive old feelings for me, and start seeing danni as an imposition, if I am as smart as I think I am then this should be easy for me to do, I just have to be strong and really realize that danni is nothing but a pathetic little 20 yr old slut.,,,, viva le fcuk her!

Apparently Dee's niece said yes GO Marty when allegedly dee asked danni to leave one night because she was outwearing her welcome, which is no surprise to me because I knew this would happen and If I can force this to happen a bit more often then who ahh baby bring it on…………

It seems that people are on my side and that can only be god for me so we will see what happens over the next few weeks because danni will be there non stop in her hols and dee used to hate me being there so how she gonna be with her???

I think I have to do more or do less I don’t really know what to think anymore, part of me still loves dee for who she is and part of me hates her for what she has done!

I know that I should move on from her but I don’t know if im ready to!

On Christmas day I gave her her presents and she gave me a big hug and nice kiss on the lips! Was she just being polite or gracious? Whatever the reason I liked it a lot.

I cannot allow my decisions to be influenced by that of other people so I will just have to wait and see what happens, I’m not really doing anything at the moment, I don’t have the confidence to, or maybe im just scared of the inevitable truth and what I will do once I reach that realization!

I have not heard from her for a while I think something is up? I don’t know what but maybe she met a guy! Now we all know what’s going to happen if that’s true, im gonna change the way I am to her and she’s not going to like it! But that will be a direct response to her own actions and if she cant handle that then that’s tuff shit.

I will take everything I brought to that relationship back! She will have to accept it for what it is and I will not want to see her anymore, I will not be able to handle the fact that she likes another man over me!!! It was hard enough dealing with Danielle.

Where I am at the moment…………… don’t know lost in emotional conflict with myself! Tuesday, December 30, 2003.

BREAK THEM UP! That is Danielle’s punishment; take from her what I can’t have!

and so here I sit at my comp having just uploaded the last six months of my life on the www for everyone to see, I’m curious as to what will happen next, Dee is on my case even as I sit here now 20:46 dec 30th.

Tomorrow night is NYE 2003, im going to have a good time I’m going to get drunk, and eat and be merry:)

Its the day after, my head hurt this morning or should I say afternoon because I rolled outa bed at 3pm.

the party last night was excellent and all the hard work my mate has put in to his place to get it ready really paid off for him:) I was drinking two dogs all night which was a change from the usual beer but I wasn’t in a beer mood really:.

caught up with some old friends that rolled up aswell which was nice cos I don’t get to be as social as I used to, but now im single I think that may change a bit, I just have to get a girlfriend who'll be social with me lol.

speaking of which im going out again tonight for beers and music so id better go get ready:)

Sunday January the 4th 2004,

I have made a semi mental decision, I am going to wash my hands of my relationship with Dee, I cannot live in the past anymore, as so many people have told me I have to move on.

you cant make someone love you, no matter how much I want dee back she wont come back if she doesn’t want to! I can’t make her, it kills me to think it but I have to heal my emotional wounds before they consume me for good. It only gets more complicated from here though I have to get my things back if I am to finish this for good, she has some stuff of mine and of my parents that really should return to me, but the problem is my kids will suffer the loss... can I do this to them? Maybe ill find alternatives for them maybe ill just leave my stuff there? I don’t know but I need this finality. CLOSURE!

I’m seeing her tomorrow.... Jan 8th 2004. What am I going to do? Don’t know, I’ve been stressed all week trying to decide what to tell her, what direction to go in, what I want to ultimately achieve by all of this.

I think sometimes I am just making myself suffer but then I think about how much I love her and it all seems to make sense.... she is my Juliet and I would rather be dead than without her.

I am cracking up................................

She was in tears at my selfish attitude; I think she thinks I don’t care? I hugged her and told her everything was going to be alright now I have to make it happen!! uhoh!

That was 2 weeks ago, not allot has happened since then, I am feeling really depressed at the moment, its bad cos I feel like doing things I shouldn’t when im like this! I saw Dee yesterday and it’s normally when I see her that I feel like this because I cant change the situation I feel bad.

I keep waiting for my phone to ring or an sms or anything to show me she still has an interest but it never comes, she only rings me or txts me when she needs something and more often that not I give it to her! Why? Why? Why? What should I do, just tell her to fuck off and risk her turning in to a real bitch, my dad said at least u have a friendship, don’t jeopardize that!

Its hard to have a friendship when u want more, the best way to miss someone is to be right next to them and know you cant have them! Wednesday Jan 21st 2004.

Friday 23rd Jan 2004.

Today my lil one called to speak to her daddy, I was in bed so I called her back before I went to work, after speaking to her for a while I spoke to Dee who informed me that she wanted the kids back early on Sunday (its my weekend) to which I exclaimed I was taking them to see the fireworks on Sunday night as I thought I was having them till Monday afternoon! She said she hadn’t realized she had included Monday in the calendar for me and we had a bit of an argument over what was to be done.

I asked to speak to my eldest to let her decide and she decided to go home early, I have no problem with this as my only concern is that my kids are happy, dee said I could pick em up on Monday morning if I want but I said ill see how I feel cos if imp going to drop em off Sunday I might aswell stay on my side of town on Monday (its a public holiday).

But anyway, during the argument I agreed to tell Dee exactly how I feel about everything! now I don’t know whether this is a good move or not but I guess I has to be done sooner or later and I might aswell get it out of the way now. I am not to sure as to what I’m going to say so maybe ill just let her read this!! (She hasn’t seen this):). Either way, there are going to be some things she doesn’t like and some she does but as I have said many times before, shell just have to deal with it.

______________________________________________________________________________________

Hurt sad lonely frustrated rejected angry spiteful determined vengeful alone distressed sick depressed confused, sometimes I feel like I want to die other times I feel like I want to kill someone.

You want to know why I am the way I am and why I feel the way I feel, well some of it I can say some of it I wouldn’t know how to say, so I will try and do it here for you. I should start by saying I don’t understand why the fuck you would care a rats arse about how I feel! It makes me feel confused and sad that you ask me to explain this to you but at the same time I am happy to think that you still care for me in some way.

I don’t go out of my way to upset you but I feel that you have a very poor opinion of me and who I am, just tonight you told me to get fucked because I told you I was hurt by a comment you made, why didn’t you just explain that, that wasn’t what you meant instead of insulting me, that only hurt me more.

Every day I wake up trying not to think about what has happened to us, but it is still so unbelievable I cannot avoid it, 9 out of ten mornings I wake with you in my head, sometimes im smiling sometimes im crying. If you really want me to be honest with you I am still deeply in love with you, I feel that you and me were not supposed to end up like this, I feel that you are my Juliet in this lifetime and that I would rather be dead than without you, so strong is my love that even when I try to find a reason to hate you I cannot.

Being near you is like torture for me, that day we went to get lunch at the deli I was looking at you and I wanted so very much to walk up and put my arms around you and just kiss you and tell you how much you mean to me, how much I love you, how much ill always love you. I have a problem that you wont be able to understand it’s why I don’t ring or come around and that is Danielle. I cannot stand to see her there, just her car in the driveway stabs at my heart and makes me feel sick, if I was to ring and she answered the phone I don’t know what I would do, I guess I stay away because I don’t like the way I feel when I come there, so its not that im a selfish bastard or trying to be one its just that I don’t like putting myself in a situation where I feel emotional.

Given time maybe I could overcome this but I doubt it. Its ok during the day when I know she’s at work because its more like old times and we get along quite well, I actually enjoy it and hope that my words here will not stop us from being friends but rather help you understand me better and strengthen our friendship.

Sometimes I feel that you will only call me or sms me if you need money or me to do something around your place or whatever, I don’t mind this but it seems strange that you still have the confidence to ask me? I’m no expert on breaking up but normally it just turns into an agreement and stays at that. I don’t know whether you appreciate my help or expect it and you know that I will do anything for my kids and you but sometimes I feel like you are using me.

Sometimes I feel like you don’t care about me at all and that really hurts me a lot because I still care so much for you, I still feel all the emotions that I did for you 6 months ago a year ago 2 years ago and on the first day I met you when I knew I wanted to make you my wife.

I feel so resentful that you just dissed our relationship and went off to Danielle, I feel that you didn’t even give me a chance to make right the wrongs that I did to you, I admitted to you the things I did wrong and I expected you to forgive me, I would have forgiven you just about anything because I loved you truly, e.g.; that night you went out with your cousin and someone "spiked" ur drink and when I picked you up you told me that you had picked up and that you had got with a girl, although I was fucking hurt by that I just let it go, I said nothing and I forgave you that because it was not something that I thought you did on purpose. I’m not trying to cop out on the things I did nor am I trying to get you to change your mind about them but I don’t think we gave ourselves a chance to get through it to deal with it as a couple because you were to involved with Danielle.

I feel that she got in the way; did you think that you could just tell me that you were in love with her and that I would be cool with it? It didn’t matter to me that it was danni or a girl or a guy or a fucking donkey you betrayed our relationship. The way you were with her that night in front of everyone showed that you were in love with her and that really really hurt me and when I got drunk all the emotion built up inside me and I couldn’t control myself.

I woke up on that bed alone and that tipped me over the edge, when we were outside fighting all I wanted to do was stop u from coming at me I wanted to hold u in my arms and for you to tell me that you loved me but you didn’t, you hit me instead, and I reacted to that, if you had let me go maybe I would have walked in front of a car and been killed so I guess you did me a favor in that respect.

But its not that event that confuses and hurts me the most, I gave you plenty of opportunity to let me go and you said no, I told you that I thought you didn’t want me and you you said you did but things had to change, I was ok with that as long as we had a chance together, you never looked me in the face and broke up with me and when I asked you to explain why we broke up you couldn’t or didn’t want to and still to this day I don’t understand.

All I know is that you said to me that morning that I was thinking silly things about you and Danielle but it seems I was not far from the truth, as you are now together. And that really fucks with my head.

You think im selfish, maybe it seems that way but I have to put myself first now if im to get over this, I have to rebuild and restart my life again and reorganize my goals, my priorities have changed a little and I cannot keep everyone happy all the time, I know and understand that it is hard for you to and having kids 24 / 7 is a hard job remember I used to do it with you and would still be doing it now.

I know that you think that I don’t care but I do but at the same time I resent you for what has become of us, I sometimes think that maybe Danielle isn’t doing enough for you but I don’t know how ur running ur relationship and I don’t care to know either, but you have to understand that it pisses me off to hear that you are in debt so much and I know she makes as much money as I do. I have never hated someone so much in all my life, so pure is the hatred I feel for her that sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the thought of getting even with her, you will probably say that it took 2 to tango and that you wanted it to be like this so if you can look me in the face NOW and say that to me I will let it all go, things will be different between us forever, you may not like it or it may be what you want I don’t know but whatever the outcome of this little chat were having I hope that it doesn’t make you hate me, but realize that I love you with all my heart and sole.

I will love you forever, I cannot imagine being with any other human being.

If you have to be angry now then say the things you need to say now! Don’t dwell on them, if you want me to explain anything else then now is the time, if you want to ask me anything do it now and I will answer you honestly, if you want to comment or correct me on anything do so but be true and clear get it over with now because the time to deal with this whole mess is over!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<

Well that’s a letter I wrote to dee a few weeks ago in the attempt to resolve the matters in my head that I cannot seem to make go away, I was going to give it to her on the Wednesday when I paid for her school fees $290.00au, but I went around to her mums and spoke to her to find out what the mood is, cos dee wont tell me personal stuff anymore. her mum told me that dee doesn’t want danni there anymore or at least not in the capacity she is there now, she wants her to be a "friend" not a girlfriend, I also got told that danni's mum is giving up their house in may and Dee does NOT want danni to ask to move in with her.

I also heard about a fight that danni and dee had, apparently it was so bad that dee neice almost had to leave and take the kids with her, now I do not know of the details so all of this is just what I heard and could either be true or untrue, I also heard that danni has double standards, she goes out with other guy friends but dee isn’t allowed to have calls from guys at home cos danni gets jealous (crazy jealous).

Now that doesn’t seem fair to me! After hearing all of this I decided not to give her the letter because I thought that it might just upset her and she had enough to deal with as it was, I still care about her allot and I can see that she is hiding the way she feels and her emotions about what’s going on in life for her.

the other week we went out and I spent the whole morning with her, we went to the trophy shop, to bunnings and to Marion, we had lunch together and did some shopping and got a few things done, it was nice and she smiled the whole time, I didn’t know whether this is because she is happy, was happy, or just happy when she is with me,(poss no ties and she knows im just gonna leave) but I don’t want to upset her if she is happy, but then again, im not happy!!! So why should she be?

We have a roster at work that lets you know where your daily start position is, I scrubbed dannis name off it and she wrote, "well seeing that im not here this week I might stay home and fuck my girlfriend" what’s she trying to do? She knew it was me that rubbed her name off and she writes that to try and rub my nose in it, there’s nothing that she can say to me that I don’t already know or assume, the only thing that she proves is that she is insecure in her relationship and a control freak, and that is not good for dee at all, and if I find out that danni is making dee unhappy ill make danni very very UNHAPPY indeed. Friday Feb. 06 2004.

I’m thinking that dees mum tells me stuff to her own advantage, to make me get think and maybe get rid of danni? Maybe she thinks that everything will go back to normal again, well it won’t EVER be the same for anyone ever again! I wrote to dee last week to finish this once and for all but its now Monday 16th February and I have had no response as yet! That’s not to bad though cos I asked her to be alone when she read it and that would have been impossible this weekend, here’s what I wrote...

I guess that nothing I say now will change the way things are so fuck it, here’s some stuff I wrote, and some stuff I never really intended giving you, but fuck it you might as well have it all. Don’t look to deep in to it, its just the way I’ve been feeling lately and for the last few months, but hey, what’s left of the caring DEE I once knew probably wont give a shit anyway.

I’m giving it to you because I suddenly realized the truth, the reason things are the way they are is that YOU never truly loved me the way I loved you, if you did then things would be a lot different.

I’m not saying they would be the same as they were but we would still be together, because of the commitment I had made to you, not just for a couple of years but for the rest of my life, I was / am willing to make it up to you, because I loved you unconditionally (unless you went crazy started calling me pinky and tried to take over the world) I would never have left you. Never!

So there, its obvious now isn’t, YOU NEVER TRULY LOVED ME! It hurts yeah sure, but it’s the truth.

Our relationship ended 7 months ago, NOW ITS FINISHED!

As you always said, “I hope she’s worth it”.

And.....

Ok we’ve only got a little while so ill write what I want to achieve instead of just messing it up trying to say it. Ill be blunt brief and to the point it’ll save time and maybe you will understand me better.

OK first off, I love you. That’s obvious always have probably always will. Secondly, I still want to be with you, like it or not that’s how I feel. Thirdly, I want to understand why we are where we are today, apart!

Ok, you never looked me in the face and told me you wanted to break up with me, you just assumed I knew! You were wrong, why? Because I gave you 4 chances to break up with me and you didn’t, you told me that you weren’t breaking up with me and that you needed time apart, to which I agreed to as long as we didn’t break up, you were still kissing me a long time after that weekend! You wouldn’t kiss someone you wanted to break up with? You wrote my parents a letter telling them that you knew we would get through it but you weren’t going to make it easy for me that was fine. You bought me an 80-dollar clock!!! 80 dollars! You told me that you would be happy with me around the corner, you know in a flat… I could come over for dinner etc etc that’s what you said. I wanted that, I didn’t care as long as we were together!

I don’t understand why we broke up? I asked you to tell me, and you didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t? Why not? I need to know. I need to know why you let me go, I'm sorry that I’m doing this now but I am really fucked up over this, I sent you sms’s asking you to tell me anything, something, I’m trying to help myself! I’m doing this now because tomorrow is the day I was going to ask you to be my wife, to spend your life with me because I truly and absolutely love you with all my heart! I love you for all the right reasons, for who you are, for your personality for the way you give your self to people for the way you never do what your told, for your smile but mostly I love you just for you.

I’m not saying that I expect you to come back to me, I cannot make you love me I know this, but I can share my feelings with you. That said I think you get the jist of what I’m trying to tell you.

I think that you should think about your future, I’m sure your happy now but when she leaves you (and she will) (unless there’s something I don’t know and I’m currently wasting my time cos your getting married next month)

will it have been worth it? To get rid of me? A man who loves you unconditionally, someone who never stopped you doing what you wanted even if he thought it was wrong, someone who backed you over his best mate without even blinking, someone who was so proud to be with you that he told everyone how lucky he was, and when he was told that you loved someone else got a little mad and jealous because he loved you so much! Someone who would forgive you for your mistakes and help you even when he thought he shouldn’t, someone who even now is there for you when you need him, all you have to do is ask.

If none of this is of any importance to you and you don’t care how I feel, then if you will do one last thing for me make it this……………….

I want the explanation I think I’m owed by you about why we broke up, (it wasn’t working) is not an explanation. I know you said you tried to talk to me but I was scared of what you were going to say; well I’m not scared anymore so just say it, please. I’m not going to get angry, because with that you will crush any hope I have of us ever being together again and that will allow me to move on, eventually maybe find someone else and get on with my life, I don’t want to hate you and I wont but I will stop feeling for you, you will always have a place in my heart as the mother of my children but that will be all. I will be happy for things to go on as they are I think it works fine but I will not be interested in your life, your life will be your life and mine will be mine, I will pay my maintenance and have my kids as we arrange, but I cannot be anything more than that for you, I’m sorry but that’s how It will have to be.

So when you wake up tomorrow on Valentines Day look at her, and think deeply…

Is she worth it? She’s a 6 month blip in the lifetime of happiness that you could have had with me, because of her you may never get married to the man who truly loves you, she influenced us both and made both of us do things that we shouldn’t have, I cannot ever undo what I did but I can say I’m sorry and I love you, and I think that in your heart you know that I do.

What’s in your heart Dee? What does it say to you? If it says “ Dee your in the right place doing the right thing you deserve to be happy” then I will accept that. And wish you all the best for the future, but at least I will have said what I wanted to say and can go home knowing I tried, knowing that I have Loved and lost.

That’s it,

Love always and for ever.. your man.

xoxoxo

Friday, February 13, 2004

hmmm well depending on what she says to this lot, determines where I travel from here, I can pretty much assume that shell tell me where to go, so im prepared for that and have a course of action set out when it comes down, so until then ill have to wait and see............

Talk about issues, today well this weekend has been interesting indeed, this hopefully will be my last entry in this saga fingers crossed.

Last week, Thursday I think dee sent me a message saying that I owed my eldest $53 dollars pocket money, true, I told her that I would sort that out with jade this weekend Sunday, March 21, 2004 she said that she needed a new softball bat and I said that I would let jade decide on what she wanted to do with the money and she said ok that it was just an idea and I left it at that. Saturday when I picked the kids up I had to meet dee at the mall down from her house as they were going that way which was fine by me, when I arrived though the first thing my eldest said was dad I need 50 bucks for a softball bat, I said oh really ok then well that’s something well talk about when we get home.

Dee then rocks up and says did you bring jades money with you cos I have put a bat on hold for her around at the sports store, now I never agreed to buy anything and I certainly didn’t agree to bring the money with me and buy anything that day at all. Due to my finances this week I didn’t have the money available and I wanted to deal with that at home with jade but when I saw that she was expecting the bat then and there I said to dee that she could pay for it then and I would give her the money when I dropped the kids off on Sunday, this wasn’t true I lied cos I didn’t have the money but I wanted my kid to have the bat then so I did what I did to get that to happen.

So Sunday all hell broke loose when I turned up and said that I didn’t have the money, dee went nuts at me and rightly so cos I told an outright lie, but my kid was happy and that’s all I cared about and I didn’t really care that I had lied to dee cos I don’t really care about her anymore.

Things got nasty when dee started blaming me for keying Danielle’s car, pathetic! And then threatening to make CSA take my money out of the bank and that in turn would destroy my chances of getting a home loan ever worth anything, we bitched and moaned at each other for a while and she made some comments about obviously some issues that she has been dwelling on for about 3 years now to do with me going out when my lil one was born when dee needed me to be home for her, something which I didn’t think at the time was a big deal but now I regret doing, but I don’t think that it was anything to dwell on especially for 3 years.

She also said that she, thought that I should just go away and not see the kids as it would be a lot easier for her, I told her that she was living in a dream world if she thought that was going to happen ever, anyway there was a lot of bitchy itchy stuff and we all left unfriends, I don’t think that she has dealt with anything well in her previous lives and this is reflecting in some things that she has said to me and I think she needs to get the rest off her chest before she will be ok.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Shit never stops for me it just gets worse, Dee is keeping a record of all the things that she deems bad that I do, for instance….. I am not going to my lil ones birthday party because I will not put myself In an emotionally stressful situation, Danielle will be there and all of Dee’s family will be there and how the fuck am I supposed to cope with that? She thinks that I should just be able to put it aside for one day and just go and have a good time! I think she is either insane or has no conception on how to understand how anyone but herself feels! So I am paying for the decorations and some of the games that will played on the day but I will not be there, as much as I would like to I will not go, maybe in time when I have stopped hating them as much as I do I will be able to but that time has not come yet, and isn’t likely to be around the corner either.

The other week when I was collecting sponsorships for my eldest birthday I found that some of the people on my shift had already given money to Danielle. This wasn’t a major problem however when I found out that that fucking fat pig had been asking people to sponsor “her” daughter I fucking flipped. Who the fuck does that slut think she is? I rang Dee right then from work and asked her what danni was playing at? She said she didn’t know and I had no right to ring and abuse her for it… to cut a long story short I was to blame again and dee didn’t understand why I was angry? What the Fuck???

She is still blaming me for things and thinking that I should be more adult and that I don’t have anything to be mad about! She’s fucking nuts! I will be mad for a very long time. FUCK THEM BOTH!

I am going to live life the way I want to live it not the way that Dee thinks that I should because that would be to please her and to suit her and I am no longer obliged to do so. I just have to be strong! Be strong! Be strong~!

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