Living with Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde

Stuck with noone to talk to about the demon drink

from JoeUser Forums
OK, it's playing on my mind, so I should just get it out. I didn't really want one of my first blogs to be a miserable one, but this seems like a good place to release some of the shit that's been building up in my head.



Long story short: my boyfriend, when drunk, changes into a monster. Just to get this straight from the start, he doesn't get violent, he just dissapears. If he drinks a moderate amount I can see the change coming, and at worst, he's annoying. But if he drinks a bucket load, he scares the shit out of me - and, as I said, the man I know dissapears. I don't want to go into the details here, but the person he becomes is completely and utterly intolerable. Not many of my friends have seen this side of him the way I have. Perhaps only my bestfriend, who got caught up in it all one night, he's known us both for years and drinks alot himself - but he couldn't beleive what was happening when Tom (let's call him that, though its not his real name) turned. Anyway, this has happened (the big flare ups I mean) maybe two or three times a year, and each time it does I get closer to leaving him. And here's my catch 22 - I can't ever see myself leaving him because he's so right for me. So I feel stuck in limbo, between knowing I should go and knowing I should stay - and in the meantime I have noone to talk to.



I wish I could talk to someone about it, cause going over things in my own head is just confusing the matter - I need to bounce my thoughts off of someone to make sure that I'm interpreting them right. Cause maybe I'm overreacting? Maybe all it needs to fix this is a bit more patience and understanding on my part? or maybe, I'm right and this relationship is destructive and doomed?



But, apart from wanting to figure out wether I should be with him or not - I also want to understand what's going on on a day to day basis. I mean, this uncertainty about the drinking issue is sparking off all sorts of doubts about other things? I've started wondering about trust? Does he lie to me? Does he emotionally blackmail me? He tells me he wants to stop drinking, but then orders round after round at the bar and I wonder if he's just pacifying me to keep me onside.



God, this must sound awful - it probably sounds more dramatic than it is - I'm just worrying about it right now and my writing is probably tinged with pessimism - so please, try to take this all with a pinch of salt. it's hard to write about this without running into pages upon pages of description and discussion - cause a few paragraphs doesn't describe the situation at all well. But, maybe I don't have to describe it all at once here - I can come back to this topic whenever I want and try to understand piece by piece.



But today, the piece I'm thinking about is how stifled I feel - I need to talk to somebody, just let it out and release the pressure - cause the more stress I feel the more the issue will intensify and the less clearly I'll be able to see. Can anyone reading this shed some light?
1,748 views 8 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
Sounds to me like you need to take a break for a while and think about it while he is not around. Cant you take some time out away from him without saying you are actually leaving?
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
im generally pretty tolerant of people who are intoxicated. i used to drink frequently (like every nite for years) but i was apparently an entertaining drunk because when i decided to slow down..and finally stop (i have possibly as many as 3 glasses of wine a year and if i start feeling a buzz, i stop drinking because i no longer enjoy the sensation) i was told by no fewer than five people that they wished id start drinking again. because i wasnt as much fun. that wasnt true...i just wasnt quite as boisterous. i have known some people who were very much the way youre describing your bf. unfortunately that type of person almost always begins to have more frequent episodes of way drunk and way obnoxious until something bad results or unless some person intervenes.

he may not (very likely) appreciate intervention and youll be burdened with his resentment for a while (how long a while depends on how rational he is). so you really need to decide whether youre willing to take that chance. if not, its time for you to move on

sorry, i wish i could be more helpful and hopeful but id be less than honest with you if i were to suggest anything else
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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
Geryy Atrick - Good advice, except, it's something I've already tried - over the last couple of years we've spent months apart (working in differrent places) and it gave me time to reflect, but it also gave me time to take stock of all the good stuff that I missed about him. So, basically, I ended up none the wiser?!

Kingbee - I'm a hoot when I'm drunk too, I used to love getting wasted with my close friends - drinkings never ever been an issue in my life. But now I'm in a relationship with one of those 'exceptions to the rules' people who noone likes to be around when he's had a few, and strangely enough, I'm not having a hoot anymore. Btw, maybe the people that said you were more fun when you were drunk, were them themselves the people who couldn't have fun unless they were drunk? My grammar went to shit there - did that make sense?

"i have known some people who were very much the way youre describing your bf. unfortunately that type of person almost always begins to have more frequent episodes of way drunk and way obnoxious until something bad results or unless some person intervenes"

I've been told before, from someone much older and wiser than me, that in situations like this, the episodes are more likely to become either more frequent or more severe as time goes by - and that scares the shit out of me. Because apart from those few incidents, I've had several years of real happiness with him, and when I look at him in the sobre light of day (which is the overwhelming majority of the time), there's not a trace of Mr Hyde to be seen.

Btw, thanks to both of you for writing back - I was beginning that the world was still in bed!
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
don't kid yourself. If he's like this now he's already over the edge and the crap and violence will follow. Even if not, he's no good. Drinking changes someone?....Leave! You have already put up at least 2 major red flags in your thread. If anything bad happens to you you have only yourself to blame. Take my advice and move on before you get hurt physically or even worse, mentally. There are drinks at weddings...wanna see him morph into an arse? There are drinks at almost any social gathering. YOu say he doesn't take much before you can see the change in him. THat's a primer. Getting you ready for what's really in store. Move on before you get hurt. Even your title says a lot. "Normal guy (Jekyl) and total arsewipe (Hyde). I would like to think you deserve better choices than that. You may be old, which is where I say go for it you may not be around long enough to wait for your mr. right. If you're young, which I think you are, then you have oodles of time to meet someone nice, as in someone who doesn't make your relationships uneasy and never knowing what's going to happen next. MOVE ON!
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Wow, that was to the point - and I can't deny, youv'e got a strong case - but it's so black and white...

You sound like you've had some personal experience of this kind of thing?

Btw, what did you mean by two red flags?
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
but it also gave me time to take stock of all the good stuff that I missed about him


It probably wasnt such good advice I gave you because it seems to be part of the human condition that, when we are out of a situation, we tend to forget the bad and remember the good....'the best years of my life were at school' crap.

To tell the truth when I first read your piece I was firmly in the 'it's only going to get worse camp' but then I thought how can I judge a whole relationship on a few hundred written words.

Have you tried professional counselling?
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
I recommend Alanon, but I'm no doctor. Alanon is free, fairly easy to find, and it will give you a support group of people that know exactly what you're dealing with. Everyone you meet there will relate whereas it will be hit and miss with professional counseling (or so my personal experience goes)

I am no doctor, as I said, but since it's free, you hardly have anything to lose, eh?

Best of wishes to you. Take care of you.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Thanks for the advice, I'm going to sort out some 'professional help' for myself. I'll let you know how it goes.

I talked to him last night but I'm still ot sure if he genuinely understands the gravity of the situation, or the seriousness of his actions. I made myself laugh inside though when he said 'but I enjoy drinking' and out of nowehere I replied 'you'ld probably enjoy fuc*ing a blonde 16 year old but your not about to do that'. It was so hard to keep my face straight, where had I got that one from?

Anyway, I'm prepared to take it slow and really, really try to work this through. The strength I have this time, lies in the fact that I'm not so overwhelmingly 'in' love with him. If it doesn't work out, I know for a fact that I'll be fine on my own - I didn't know that before. But, fingers crossed, it pans out alright cause I don't want to be without him.

Btw, OckhamsRazor, your Ism article kicked ass! I'd put a link in here for it, but I've not quite figured that function of JU yet...