Ridiculous Requests for Upcoming Patches

By on September 23, 2010 9:20:30 AM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

Istari

Join Date 03/2006
+24

Long day at work, groggy and loopy, disclaimer finished.

[EDIT] -Bear Cavalry

-Add a game feature or quest that changes the box art to reflect the game.

-Players should get to use two Sovereigns if they received a double shipment of the game by mistake.

-Put in a 'Ye Olde Mechanic' unit that can alter game mechanics from within the game, then take a long holiday.

-Create a quest where you have to find a male frog and try to misinterpret his dialogue and read too much into it.

-Add in a cheat where if you type 'Old man, you seek the Spell of Mastery.', Elemental exits and launches MoM in DOSBox.

-Make it so that all Sovereigns share the same mana pool, and have to play 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' to decide who gets to regenerate each turn.

-Watchtowers should manufacture watches.

-Fishing as a food resource where the fish provide food returns based on the patented 'Juicy Sweetness' rating system by Smeagol.

-Players should have the ability to Give Karma to other Sovereigns through the Diplomacy screens.

-Milk should be listed as a sub-resource to Food, and needs to be watched constantly on a per-city, per-turn basis to check if it has gone bad. The Sovereign has to be in the city to personally inspect the Milk stores.

-Elemental should be free to all those who purchased Elemental before playing v1.1 after buying expansion 1.B if they didn't purchase Elemental before playing expansion 1.A.

-Admiral Ozzel should be punished for coming out of hyperspace too close to the Hoth system.

-In campaign mode, a *Spoiler Warning* should pop-up before any reveals or story progression.

-New terrain type - 'Carpet'.

-Terrain tiles should light up when the Sovereign walks on them, just like Michael Jackson in the Billie Jean video clip. The Sovereigns should also be singing Billie Jean as they walk.

-Units positioned in front of Archers should be subject to friendly fire. There should also be a percentage chance that a fight starts up as a result.

-Units trapped between enemy influence zones should be able to spend one turn maneuvering as though they were trying to get past laser security sensors.

-In tactical combat, Attack, Damage, and Defense should be combined into a single statistic and rolled with a 2 sided dice. A roll of '1' results in auto-fail, whereas conversely, a roll of '2' results in manual-fail. This is due to the real world problem associated with a 2 sided dice.

-Add in a nuclear spell that causes other Sovereigns to get nervous. The Sovereign researching or casting the nuclear spell can cleverly and diplomatically disguise it as just an 'Update Schedule' to avoid a backlash.

-Female Sovereigns should be able to research the 'Spell of Faking' for the win.

-The Master Quest should be to cause the game to crash and report the error.

-A message from The Bishop: "I foretold of your folly. These lands rightfully belong to the Church. And I will have them!".

-All your modding tools are belong to us!

-Redefine 'Multiplayer' to include AI opponents.

-Bastion should say my name.

-Organized Teleport. Units teleport at the same speed as the Sovereign, even if the Sovereign has Hyperwarp and those units only have Ion Drive.

-A mana pool should be something a Sovereign uses to drive other people's kids to school in.

-The casting cost of spells should be measured in Flower Petals.

-New Weakness Trait - 'Unhelpful Complainer'. Resource accumulation is slowed and morale suffers as the Unhelpful Complainer whips their soldiers during combat in an effort to explain to them that they mustn't die. -50.

-For added realism and immersion, the Sovereign should spend 2 out of 3 turns sleeping.

 

...... Feel free to add more. I'm about to drop off where I sit.

 

**[Updated]**


-Speech bubbles for NPCs with Tourettes Syndrome.


-Add in NPCs who have Tourettes Syndrome.


-New Equipment Slot - 'Hair clip'.


-Currency exchange system between Kingdom and Empire factions.


-Offspring should have a 9pm curfew.


-New Spell - 'Differentiate Spell'. This spell acts as an addon to existing spells and adds a random effect in addition to the standard effect of the spell. 'Differentiate Spell' can be be used to target 'Differentiate Spell'.


-We need a quest that allows our Sovereigns to know what magic is.


-New Spell - 'Mirror Image'. 1dN illusory images of target unit are created on adjacent tiles in tactical battle. The appearance of these images varies in accordance with the different types of funhouse mirrors. There is a 67.32% chance that the images become frightened of one another and disappear.


-Special fencing needs to be erected to prevent younger offspring from drowning in the Global Mana Pool.


-The image translators should work for the construct program, so the whole game will be displayed as scrolling XML code.


-New Spell - 'Returnification'. This spell attempts to return your troops to the nearest city, but ultimately fails.


-AI opponents should have a Chess mini-game to play while they wait for the Human player to 'End Turn'.


-New Quest - 'The Quest to end all Quests'. Makes it so that there are no more quests in the game.


-The Conquest Victory option should be described on the box or in the manual as such: 'To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.'


-New Unit - 'The Mouthguard of Sauron'. He just really needed to have something cover those teeth.


-Bring back Firefly.


-New Plane - 'Arc anus'. (Too cheap?)


-New Unit - 'Stupid fat hobbit'.


-Greedo was secretly in love with Han Solo, and couldn't bring himself to hurt him.


-New City Enchantment - 'Levitating City'. The enchanted city rises 10cm off the ground. This spell incurs a once-off materials cost, as a single step needs to be placed before every outer door of every building to avoid lawsuits from people tripping over to get inside.


-New Weakness Trait - 'Gibson's Disease'. Your Sovereign develops a tendency to randomly spout racism and beat their spouses. You receive a penalty to diplomacy, fewer offspring, and the ability to know what women want. -30.


-Magic Stamps. Rather than being imbued, champions line up at the Magical Welfare office once every 7 turns to receive allocated 'Magic Stamps' from the Sovereign. The stamps will be fluorescent pink.


-To make tactical combat more interesting, have some random units begin combat within enemy ranks, but facing their own side. It should take 1dN combat turns for them to figure out their mistake, until which they will fight for the enemy.


-Sovereigns should communicate through two cups tied to a long piece of string.


-New Race - 'Vegetarian Cannibals'. They're not vegan though, so they can still eat dairy made from their women's breast milk. (Too gross?)

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September 24, 2010 9:47:55 AM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

Quoting Robert Hentschke,
- New resource tile: Ganja.  If tapped it eliminates unrest in the city but slightly reduces productivity.


Quoting Goldmos, reply 23-New Unit: Vampire. They should sparkle in the day ligth and can be involved in a relationship with your spouse. You turn then into a werewolf.

Don't you mean:

- New Unit: Vampire. They sparkle in daylight and can be involved in a relationship with your spouse. They will hug a lot but never actually get it on so there will be no offspring.

lol.

Also, they will constantly look at each other with a glare of disgust and repulsion, and try to pass it off as passion.

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September 24, 2010 3:14:05 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

Quoting Istari,

Quoting Robert Hentschke, reply 25- New resource tile: Ganja.  If tapped it eliminates unrest in the city but slightly reduces productivity.


Quoting Goldmos, reply 23-New Unit: Vampire. They should sparkle in the day ligth and can be involved in a relationship with your spouse. You turn then into a werewolf.

Don't you mean:

- New Unit: Vampire. They sparkle in daylight and can be involved in a relationship with your spouse. They will hug a lot but never actually get it on so there will be no offspring.
lol.

Also, they will constantly look at each other with a glare of disgust and repulsion, and try to pass it off as passion.

 

Well, sorry for my english, I'm a French speaking person but, like the thread said, it should be a resquest so I formulate it like a request .But you catch the joke . I love the "They will hug a lot but never actually get it on so there will be no offspring".

 

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September 24, 2010 3:21:56 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

Ridiculous Request #1:

 

Make the game fun.

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September 24, 2010 8:22:59 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

Balance!  ... and the first thing we have to start with is, of course, numbers!

 

I mean, come on, everyone knows that 3 is OP. It's THREE times the value of 1. 3 should be the equivalent of 1, but different. There's a lot of things we can do to make this happen, but here's my suggestion:

 

1. Take a sledge hammer and smash 3 into pieces.

2. Gather the pieces and melt it down for materials.

~1. Create a custom mold that is the reverse of 1, no not negative 1, just 1, but reverse.

4. Use mold to balance 3... into reverse 1.

5. Replace all fonts that has 3 to look like reverse 1.

6. Fix all number 3 on all keyboards...

 

Now sure, technically, reverse 1 is not really a number, and it doesn't make much sense, but at least now it's not OP anymore.

After you're done with 3, er.. I mean reverse 1, there's always 4, I mean, that's REALLY broken... oh and 5 too, definitely. Luckily, we can also use the same process to make sideway 1, upside down 1, and tilted 1... etc...

 

... Huh? You're not gonna do it? WHY DOES SD NEVER LISTEN???

 

 

PS: It's just a joke, don't take it seriously. I'm probably as guilty of this as anybody...

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September 24, 2010 8:23:47 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

-Add a troll bridge with trolls as a minor race. This minor race is unable to form alliances or have diplomatic negotiations with any other faction. As such, they are always a hostile faction and a common enemy to all other factions. The trolls cannot be permanently killed, but are placed on every map to be hacked down for fun, just so they can rise again and be hacked down again. You cannot pass over the troll bridge without taking out at least one troll.

-New Unit - 'Kamikaze Olympian'. Remember the Uruk who lit the gunpowder at Helm's Deep? They should have had something more like that at the opening ceremonies!

-Front-loading washers.

-New Spell - 'End Turn'. Casting this spell during an opponents turn will end their turn after a 30 second countdown. It can only be cast after N minutes has past of that players turn. The spell transfers its mana cost and X of each resource to the opponent whose turn it ends. If these costs cannot be paid, the spell fizzles, and then fizzes, and you have a bubbly drink.

-New Terrain - 'White Shaded Polygon'.

-New City Improvement - 'Wooden Prosthetics Lab'. We can rebuild them, we have the technology. We just don't want to spend a lot of Gildar.

-Tomatoes, sausages, nice crispy bacon.

-New Global Enchantment - 'Haven'. This spell prevents Gungans ever being a race. Not only in the game, but in any fantasy setting.

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September 24, 2010 8:32:46 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

Quoting Kalin,
Balance!  ... and the first thing we have to start with is, of course, numbers!

 

I mean, come on, everyone knows that 3 is OP. It's THREE times the value of 1. 3 should be the equivalent of 1, but different. There's a lot of things we can do to make this happen, but here's my suggestion:

 

1. Take a sledge hammer and smash 3 into pieces.

2. Gather the pieces and melt it down for materials.

~1. Create a custom mold that is the reverse of 1, no not negative 1, just 1, but reverse.

4. Use mold to balance 3... into reverse 1.

5. Replace all fonts that has 3 to look like reverse 1.

6. Fix all number 3 on all keyboards...

 

Now sure, technically, reverse 1 is not really a number, and it doesn't make much sense, but at least now it's not OP anymore.

After you're done with 3, er.. I mean reverse 1, there's always 4, I mean, that's REALLY broken... oh and 5 too, definitely. Luckily, we can also use the same process to make sideway 1, upside down 1, and tilted 1... etc...

 

... Huh? You're not gonna do it? WHY DOES SD NEVER LISTEN???

 

 

PS: It's just a joke, don't take it seriously. I'm probably as guilty of this as anybody...

There is always the unreal one (1i) that is the sqare root of -1. Does that count as the reverse of 1?

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September 24, 2010 8:36:45 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

No no, that's too much like 1. It has to be different... hence... reverse!

 

Oh, and I forgot to mention, but please don't balance 7, it's completely fine since it's my favorite number.

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September 24, 2010 8:53:00 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

- To avoid arguements over whether hexes or squares are better, all tiles should be perfect circles.

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September 24, 2010 9:23:32 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

It's a lot simpler. Replace all squares with tetragons. That should finally please everybody.

 

Quoting Goldmos,
Well, sorry for my english, I'm a French speaking person but, like the thread said, it should be a resquest so I formulate it like a request .But you catch the joke . I love the "They will hug a lot but never actually get it on so there will be no offspring".

Chill. I've just been meaner to the poor emo vamps. =P

Oh, and on that note...  Twilight vs. Blade

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September 24, 2010 10:43:34 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

If your city has a pub any unit staying in that city has a chance of starting a battle with some drunken oafs. Your unit has an intoxicated buff that gives him a 50% chance of missing.

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September 24, 2010 11:01:17 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

- The only way to kill a Sovereign should be to remove their head from their shoulders. If an enemy Sovereign lands the killing blow with an edged weapon, an edged spell or an edged diplomacy, the dead Sovereign's stats are added onto the winner's stats in a burst of lightning.

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September 24, 2010 11:08:45 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

I mean, come on, everyone knows that 3 is OP.

you can even kill demons with the power of 3

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September 24, 2010 11:15:33 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

Quoting Azkatraz,
- The only way to kill a Sovereign should be to remove their head from their shoulders. If an enemy Sovereign lands the killing blow with an edged weapon, an edged spell or an edged diplomacy, the dead Sovereign's stats are added onto the winner's stats in a burst of lightning.

There can be only one.. 

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September 24, 2010 11:42:16 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

-New resource: Pink Space Ponies - only appears on some maps and requires a very large number of turns to build on.  Once the resource is linked to a particular city that city must be defended above all else.  This resource does nothing except cause every mount you equip on your sovereign to be magically transformed into a Pink Space Pony which does nothing... it just is.

 

-Using the Dynasty system to marry cousins will spawn a special monster "Jerry Ringer" who will cast the spell "broadcast" which will reduce the intelligence of all sovereigns and champions to a score of 2 until he is slain.

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September 25, 2010 9:38:34 AM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

Quoting UmbralAngel,
If your city has a pub any unit staying in that city has a chance of starting a battle with some drunken oafs. Your unit has an intoxicated buff that gives him a 50% chance of missing.

Units stationed in a city with a pub should infrequently get an increase to their unarmed combat rating, losing 1 HP in the brawl.

New unit:  Televangelist.  They are sent towards neutral and enemy cities to use their Raisefunds ability.

Nazis. Elemental is an american development so why are there no nazis and roadblocks with the ever popular "Halt, Papiere!"?

New item:  Road map.  Allows you to remove the FOW on a distant area for one turn.  When you use a road map on another area, the FOW returns to the area you uncovered before because there is no skill to refold road maps so it has to be discarded.

New unit:  Paladins.  Holy warriors who boost the morale and health of all troops around them.  Use huge and dangerous looking two-handed swords that have the damage dealing capabilities of foam bats.  Can not reproduce because they cannot stop longing for unicorns.

Dinosaurs. Everything is better with dinosaurs.

Some tactical battle maps should have large monkeys throwing exploding barrels.

Campaign scenario mission:  The player is stranded on a mid-sized islands with a fantastic amount of resources.  He has to escape with the help of a "professor" who can build lasers, short range airplanes, and nuclear bombs from coconuts... but is completely unable to construct a working boat.  The trick would be to ignore this utterly useless person.

There should be a magical information network, the "Interplane", where channelers can download porn. Err, I mean perform magical research.

Units hurt in a tactical battle cannot heal (replace fallen figures) afterwards if you failed to construct a MASH unit on the strategic map beforehand.

Trained units should be able to join a union.  The number of lawyer champions you recruit would regulate your troops' working hours and holidays.

New magical element:  Heart.   The exact order of elements would also be important.

New sovereign trait:  Gay.  Lower chance of creating offspring but additional options for clothing and hairdo.

New tech tree:   Writing.
                   Piece of coal. Allows you to make notes on the cloth map but the mouse pointer leaves black smudges briefly afterwards. 
                   Pencil.  Allows you to make notes on the cloth map but doesn't get your hands dirty. you don't.
                   Possible artifact item:  Embroidery Needle.   Same effect as "pencil", only in more than one colour.

New technology:  Rope.  Allows units to enter and leave a ship at "cliff" tiles.

Do channelers dream of magical sheep?

New city improvement:  Bath house.  Without visiting one every 10 turns, an army is detectable (smell) at 1 more square on the strategic map.

The map should rotate around the player, not the other way around.

Traveling boots should only increase the strategic speed of cavalry units while the soldiers carry their horses. Given that horses are an inventory item, that is possible.

New soverign trait:  Emo.  Reduces willingness of other leaders to enter diplomatic talks but gives "pity" bonus when they agree to.

New technology:  Planting pots.  Indoor plants improve room climate.

Spells need a secondary fire mode.

New technology:  Door.  City walls could include gates.

Cool one-liners for when your sovereign defeats an enemy champion or sovereign.

After getting hurt in a tactical battle with spiders, troops randomly develop the ability to climb city walls and cliffs.

Ability to get divorced.  Depending on how many divorce lawyer champions you employ, your spose may leave with your horse and most of your empire and treasury.

Cute Teddy Bears as a counter for vastly advanced siege engines or magical creatures. The teddy bears are not allowed to die so they must eventually win the battle.

The ability to employ concubines.

Horses and wargs should not be the only domestic animals in the entire world.  Pig farms, roaming cow herds, sheep, goats, chickens, ducks...

A champion should be able to rip a branch off a tree instead of having to pay 15 gold pieces in a shop for the same product.

New technology:  Alcohol.  Increases the morale of troops but has a low chance of giving them the Hangover debuff.

With low leadership (charisma?) skills, the troops do random damage to conquered cities.

Champions need the ability to wear masks and costumes to protect their secret identity.

A day and nicht cycle.  We cannot have ninjas without night.  It does not work that way.

New mount:  Chocobo.  Plays special music track when the sovereign moves on the strategic map while riding one.

New city improvement:  Sewers.  Without them your city is detectable at 2x it's influence range on the strategic map.

New technology:  Dice.  You start with d4 and cannot reseach higher damage weapons until you have researched the d6.

New unit:  Sidekick.  Stays with a champion at all times but gets into trouble, giving the champion more opportunities to gain XP while rescueing Sidekick.

New unit:  Bird.  Flying scout unit.  Special ability: Flip.

New magical plane of existance:  Mirror.  It's not actually a different plane because it contains the same units and cities as the "real plane" but units move backwards when "on mirror".

If the world map cannot wrap around like on a round world, the world should at least be a cube so you can enter a different side when moving off the edge.

Armies should not be able to move far from your own territory without a baggage train.

You can not summon multiple creatures of the same kind without acquiring a multi-creature license from MagicalSummons Inc. first.

There need to be ways to find and direct magma.

Aliens should be a playable race.  It worked for WoW.

Include a way to import coconuts.

Exchange all squares in the game with tetragons.  That will make the boardgamers happy.

More fantastic creatures to summon, such as poo golems (can only be summoned in cities with the Sewers improvement) or fruitcake golems.

New city enchantment:  Brake Wind.  Slows down any magical storms or hurricanes, preventing damage to the city.

Spell books made from paper or similiar materials should decay, forcing you to research your spells again.  This would prevent magic research from simply "being over" eventually.

New city improvement:  Statue of the sovereign.  Effect:  Makes you feel more important.

Musical units.  Include a drums and bugle corps in your army to increase morale.

If the sovereign is so all-powerful then I want a spell to part the ocean so that my people may cross it.

Units with axes should be able to fell trees.  Ridiculous, I know, but let's just call it magic.

Servants.  It is undignified that a sovereign would travel without anyone to carry his bags.

Sleighs and sleds for the snowy regions.  Wheeled caravans would be so many kinds of useless.

Tactical battles need a function to enable Bullet Time.

The ability to cross-breed creatures to create elephantions (elephant and scorpion) or molejays (dig through the air).

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September 25, 2010 6:55:24 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

Quoting Robert Hentschke,

New city improvement:  Statue of the sovereign.  Effect:  Makes you feel more important.

Musical units.  Include a drums and bugle corps in your army to increase morale.

If the sovereign is so all-powerful then I want a spell to part the ocean so that my people may cross it.

Units with axes should be able to fell trees.  Ridiculous, I know, but let's just call it magic.

Servants.  It is undignified that a sovereign would travel without anyone to carry his bags.


The ability to cross-breed creatures to create elephantions (elephant and scorpion) or molejays (dig through the air).

 

Hilarious - you were on a roll! I want to part the ocean so my drum and bugle corps can perform for the fishes.

 

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September 25, 2010 7:10:54 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

Well, it's work to be constructive, develop concepts with all the pros and cons.
Just writing down all the silly crap that crosses my mind is a lot easier.
Like that rubber toy on the wall over there. Now I want rubber city walls that make catapult stones bounce back. Isn't that obvious?

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September 26, 2010 12:05:26 AM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

-New Global Enchantment: 'Topsy Turvey'. The plane flips upside down, and Sovereigns build cities in the clouds using... umm clouds. Food falls from the sky in the form of sheep and cattle that can no longer hold on to the grass by their teeth, and everyone takes upside down showers when it rains.

-New Spell: 'Sacrelicious'. Sovereigns teleport their rivals in for a feast comprised mainly of their rival's animal deities, spit-roasted slowly in front of them. This gives the rival Sovereigns a morale penalty, and the casting Sovereign receives a diplomacy penalty for being such a dick.

-New Game within the Game: 'Elementary: War of Lunchbox'. Sovereigns revert back to their grade school psyche. This has certain ramifications, for one thing they no longer generate offspring, as girls have cooties. All 'cracks' are magically removed from the footpaths, to prevent the Sovereign's mama's backs from breaking. All doors and gates come with Germ-Locks as standard. Needles are always on hand to be stuck into the eyes of treaty breakers. It brings poignant new meaning to Sandbox mode.

-Cypher should learn to eat his steak in a less disgusting way.

-Spells should have a chance to backfire, the result being that the caster's back is set on fire.

 

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September 26, 2010 4:36:45 AM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

-replace all text with voice overs from Christopher Walken.

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September 26, 2010 1:55:17 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

Quoting Robert Hentschke,
It's a lot simpler. Replace all squares with tetragons. That should finally please everybody.

 


Quoting Goldmos, reply 27Well, sorry for my english, I'm a French speaking person but, like the thread said, it should be a resquest so I formulate it like a request .But you catch the joke . I love the "They will hug a lot but never actually get it on so there will be no offspring".
Chill. I've just been meaner to the poor emo vamps. =P

Oh, and on that note...  Twilight vs. Blade

 

Nan, I think you read me wrong here What I was insinuating is, because my english is not quite good, I must make short and direct sentence (like the response that I made ) so I couldn't express much my thought. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Happy life . Now, for the ridiculous demand: New spell: Aphrodisiact. Make the people have more children so your population growth increase. On the other hands, due to lawsuit for infidelity, you must spent 2 gildar/turn on attorney.

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September 28, 2010 6:23:44 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

Actually, it is a very cleaned up version of what genghis khan said.  Conan (O'brian?) borrowed it.

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September 30, 2010 1:46:06 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

Chainsaw nunchuks.

Ah, no. Make that chainsword nunchuks!

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September 30, 2010 3:56:41 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

I want sabretooth bunnymammoths to appear in the diplomacy tech to appear as a recruitable ally.

You need to research civ tech to discover vorpal carrots, their food of choice. or was that magical warfaretech....

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September 30, 2010 4:06:22 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

Aye, those breeding programs sound interesting.
The jaymoles I suggested earlier could dig away the air above my enemies and make the sky come crashing down on them.
I got a plan!

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September 30, 2010 8:21:30 PM from Elemental Forums Elemental Forums

Quoting esomonk,
-replace all text with voice overs from Christopher Walken.

Even better...  Kevin Pollak *DOING* his Walken.

Madness!

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